Lama Yang Baru

Aku masih sama seperti dulu.

Masih si bangsat berlumur dosa.

Dikurnia hidup tapi aku bodoh.

Terlalu senang lagak aku sudah ditempat syurga.

Macam mana aku mampu hidup.

Dunia yang kau campak rampas segala kudrat tenaga.

Terlalu penat untuk peduli semua.

Tapi tidak pernah upaya berkorban jiwa.

'Jangan bersedih wahai Muhammad dengan apa yang telah mereka lakukan.'

Tuhan yang meredakan kesedihan Muhammad.

Redakan jua sedihku.

Tuhanku.

Aku kan sentiasa malu.

Untuk memohon diampunkan dosa yang telah lalu.

Jadi kurniai aku.

Tenang.

Untuk yang baru aku cuma mahu.

Tenang.

Women Empowerment

I always have this one question wandering in mind whenever I decided to attend a talk - will it be the same ‘cliché’ talk again or will it not? Cliché would have different meanings depending on different people. But, my cliché here specifically mean for, please let it not be anything about early marriage, on how to become the ‘muslimah sejati’, on petty womanly matters for short. Talks that mainly derived from feelings and emotions rather than focussing on answering and discussing the main issues – that is cliché.

It’s not that I don’t have any feelings or emotions. Instead, I am writing based on emotions today. It’s just that, I am not willing sacrificing my time, my money and my attentions just to hear you talking on and on about your feelings and how big you feels it is.

That’s why I am very selective on deciding which talk to attend. Note: when I mention talk, it’s not the mosque-lecture kind of talk.

WOMEN EMPOWERMENT

It was intriguing when at the end of the talk, the survey form was asking me about my thoughts on ‘Women Empowerment’? I know that they would have meant to say what I thought about the talk as a whole. But I don’t interpret it that way at the first place. I thought they asked me to define the term when I first heard it.

Obviously I am a woman. At least, that’s how I view myself. But truthfully, there’s time that I hate woman and hating myself for being born woman. Shocking? I don’t literally hate ‘woman’, it’s an implicit statement by the way.

I just hate the way woman treated themselves. And the way they let others treats them.

Compared with my friends, I am relatively small (in size) and short too. Sometimes, it was really hard being small. I was so used with being pushed around in a crowded place, so used for my vision to be blocked in classroom, so used with feeling insecure and anxious when walking in public. But, as time goes, I begin to realise that I had always need to confront with things larger than me. And all those tormenting years are actually a very precious practices and teachers for me.

I still am small, unfortunately. But something that had grown large for the past years are what was beneath. Make your weakness an advantage against your opponent.

I know it’s impossible to expect for everybody to tough up. Each and every one of us are surely will be different in personalities, values, and attitudes, though it’s something frustrating to confront every day with still, it’s kind of beautiful. Everyone is a book that you need to spare some time to review and read, surely not just by their mere cover.

Zainab Al-ghazali, Isabella; know these two figures and know how real their fights were. Only then you will see that yours are nothing compared to them. Not even close. So, what is women empowerment meant again to me?

One of the speakers raises an issue that put a grin in my face. Spot on! Totally not cliché.

“The only reasons why I came today all the way from home was because I’m worried. I’m worried that whenever I conducted interviews, the majority of them are not local graduated and only small majority from them are women. Believe me, this will get worse if you don’t do anything about it.”

I have many friends that do not know what they are going to be or do in the next future. I also have some friends that content with just enough and reluctant to pursue more. If you want to talk about the world and how its work, it’s true that it’s very difficult for women to compete among men especially in working environment. Because of that, women tend to choose a path that hardly men go for; teaching, counselling, accounting, financing, nursing, etc. And on critical occupation that majorities are men, it’s hard for women to climb the upper ladder of the corporation.

What are the problems? Where did things went wrong? I will not raising any issues of equalities and let the feminist chanting their song of inequality world. The blame is not on inequalities. It’s lacks of awareness.

‘Women need to be educated!’, we constantly raise the argument. How? For what cause? To what extent? On what? What are the benefits?

Just asks yourselves: How much would you really value?

Let’s use an economics model here. When you’re trying to enter the market, first you have to get through the barriers. Can you breakthrough it? If yes, evaluate the market. Who are your customers, competitors, stakeholders, investors? What are your strategies; price, place, product, promotion? How do you sustain your company in long term? How do you growth? How to globalise? Evaluate the economics. Deprresion? Inflation? How to overcome?

If you can answer them all, try putting yourself in the situations. In this world, they are so many challenges that you will go through. You have to identify them and try to make a way out of it. You don’t necessarily have to do it all alone. Friends, family, relatives, teachers, cliques, you have them. They’ll be either you support system or your rivals, either way both are important in your life to keep you moving. And made plans. Equipped yourself with knowledge, skill, values that could help you in the future. And when things went wrong somehow somewhere, they will always be a way out.

The most important thing is, don’t just stop when they’re enough. Don’t settle down when things had become comfortable. Vission more. Be someone whose refuse to live life just as it is.

SHARIFAH SARAH, VICE PRESIDENT MAYBANK ISLAMIC & RISK MANAGEMENT DEPARTMENT.

She is beyond remarkable. I envy her. Not for the tittle or rank that she had achieve. But, for her values, her principles and her minds. Her words are like thorns biting every inch of my heart. She could give you the chills and force you to swallow the painful truth upfront.

“If you want to give birth to a child who is successful, you must first be successful. You must first make yourself worthy for them. I was just recovered from an eye infection and my son asked me, what am I doing home and not working? Because they know that their mother belongs to the society. My husband is a surgeon. And they know that whenever their father is not home, he is out there saving other kids life.

Don’t limit yourself to yourself. Contribute to the society.”

I looked her in the eyes and wonder the pain that she had gone through to be at where she was now. And at that time, it suffocating to contain myself from asking, ‘Is it worth it?’. Some reasons people unwilling to be that successful because they know the return that they are going to pay in returns. And it’s already feels unbearable to just imagining it.

“To be a leader, it’s a very lonely place. You have to have that don’t care attitudes. Just don’t care about what people stereotype to you. I have encounter many situations where people mocking me, talking behind my back. Some even said to me; why are you here, just go home and take care of your kids lah. I had been accused of having relationship with my boss because why else would I be here if not because of that right? It has nothing to do with my abilities at all.”

Now, this is where you should reflect on yourselves. The reasons why people treating women that way is because we are the one that let them believe it was the way how women should be treated. When we never challenge ourselves or do the impossible, we can’t expect people to have high expectations on us. All this while, things that we ever do are achievable by them, that was why it is hard for women to be recognised and acknowledge.

If we want to change stereotypes, change ourselves first then.

(An-nisa':95)

BOB Update #2

Lama menyepi. Mungkin belum cukup lama lagi, mungkin.

Alhamdulillah cukup sebulan dah dari mula belajar dekat MMU ni. Sekejap sangat rasa. Tapi dah ada banyak sangat benda dah yang nak cerita hahah. Tapi sebab dah azam nak jadi baik sikit masuk tempat baru ni, mungkin cerita belakang tembok ni simpan untuk pedoman sendiri lah kot.

Kot.

Seronoknya bila kita amik Alevel and tak lepas nak sambung oversea ialah first semester punya degree silibus kau boleh goreng sambil makan maggi je hahah. Gurau tolong faham saya stress. Nak mengaku pernah amik Alevel pon segan tahap tak ingat. Rasa macam goblok square :’(

Jadi kalau kumpul balik semua member-member dulu, semua cerita study je. Semua dah mindset nak dean list, nak four flat. Kata orang (aku) jatuh sekali, sila bangun sendiri. Jatuh berkali-kali, lagi tak ada yang peduli. Sedih kan dunia ni. Tapi tak payah nak sedih sangat, ada usaha ada jalan.

So bila aku dengar budak-budak dekat sini asik cakap,

‘You jangan risau, dekat sini kalau first sem tak lepas ke kena repeat ke normal lah tu.’

Kalau dekat INTEC, selalu cakap dekat member; ‘Janganlah expect aku high sangat.’ Tapi dekat sini rasa macam nak cakap je; ‘Janganlah expect aku low sangat.’

And kalau tanya senior yang bersepah-sepah pon, jawapan dia lebih kurang macam tu lah tu. Ada yang kena extend semester sebab kena repeat. Ada yang siap cakap, ‘alah first year senang je.’ Nak suruh aku tak payah belajar lah tu -.-‘

Tercampak dekat sini pon dah robek apa lagi kalau kena repeat. Meninggal.

Kau kena faham aku dah dua tahun hidup dalam environment yang surrounding aku semua budak-budak kaki belajar. Ada yang tak belajar tu pon spesis yang kalau masuk exam dapat perfect score. Boleh bayang tak ada housemates yang bangun tidur je terus bukak buku. Makan depan buku. Tidur pon bawak buku.

Jadinya dekat sini kalau aku buat nota awal, siapkan tutorial, buat assignment, rasa macam nerd sangat. Padahal dah cukup pemalas dah tu. So, rasalah jugak culture shock tu.

Tapi, yang bestnya society dia memang active. Every week tu mesti ada event or booth dari orang luar atau student sendiri. Rasa meriah sangat kalau nak pergi kelas pon jumpa budak-budak faculty lain apa semua. Something yang jarang nak dapat lah kalau dekat INTEC. Kalau dekat INTEC tu cengkerik pon mungkin lagi bising, student semua lepak library.

Kenapa entah asik cerita pasal INTEC. INTEC ada mydin, dekat dengan KTM, banyak mall, ada pasar malam, ada bazaar. Huaa tak boleh move on :’(

Macam tu lah kisah hidup setakat ni. Selalu orang ingat aku budak 18 tahun baru nak buat foundation. Nak 21 dah tak boleh nak muda lagi ke?

Apa yang paling dugaan sekarang ialah macam mana untuk tak menjadi skeptikal pada orang-orang yang skeptik. Ni part yang paling susah rasanya setakat ni sejak masuk MMU. Kita tak boleh nak halang orang untuk menjadi skeptikal. Tapi macam mana kita nak didik diri sendiri untuk tak jadi skeptik? Susah dia nak nangis rasa.

Kau pandang dia selalu buat lawak, outgoing, tetiba cerita family dia kalah segala macam novel ke drama melayu yang kau pernah baca. Kau stress dah kenapa ajar dia ni tak faham-faham, bila dengar background dia macam mana terus sambung ajar balik dengan penuh kesabarannya. Macam-macam orang ada. Sampai satu tahap aku sendiri yang malas nak judge.

Jadi neutral je dengan semua orang.

Cuma aku susah nak tolerate dengan orang yang main-main dengan stand-of-point aku. Saja nak tolak sana, tolak sini. And sesetengah yang tak cukup common sense. Aku baru sebulan dekat sini, tak payah nak basuh sangat, kau yang sakit jari nanti.

Tak susah nak faham aku. Kalau aku suka aku cakap suka, kalau tak aku buat muka. Kalau kelakar aku gelak, kalau marah aku diam. Kau jangan nak radical sangat, jangan nak liberal sangat. Kalau aku tahu aku kongsi, kalau aku tak tahu tak payah nak buat muka terkejut. Kalau aku ada buat salah tegur, jangan nak mengata belakang.

Common sense.

Dua minggu lepas, ada classmates bergaduh pasal isu feminism.

A: You tengok ni (article), do you think women are being treated equally at the outside world? How many women are able to be leader at the corporate world? Corporations always put men as priority whenever they want to hire employee. Is that fair?

B: Who said corporations prioritise men over women? It’s depending on their qualifications and the job scope. In fact, they are more women employed than men based on statistics. Some job maybe only suitable for men. They are something that men can do that women cannot do. So, you can’t expect for it to be distributed equally. Is it fair if women were task on job that they cannot do?

A: So you said it was all about their qualification. How do us able to get equal qualifications if at some place educations are not being given to the women populations. Just because some people believed that yang orang perempuan ni kalau belajar tinggi-tinggi pon nanti duduk dekat dapur jugak. So there’s no use in educating the women.

Tengok ni (Status twitter: Rasulullah diturunkan untuk mengangkat darjat kaum wanita.)

B: Hahaha, pika tengok ni diorang nak kata Rasulullah feminist. Rasulullah feminist ke tak pika?

Aku: Mana ada Rasulullah feminist.

B: Yeay menang pika sokong.

Aku: Ko dah kenapa aku tak habis cakap lagi. Zaman dulu mana ada term-term feminism ke liberalism apa semua ni. Sekarang ni dia depends macam mana kau define feminism tu. Memang Rasulullah diturunkan untuk angkat darjat wanita. Tapi dia tak menjadi dalil untuk kau nak tuntut persamaan darjat dengan lelaki dalam perkara-perkara yang melibatkan hukum syarak macam perwarisan harta, hak jatuhkan talak, nak jugak jadi imam dalam solat Jemaah bermakmumkan lelaki atau pasal aurat.

Tapi, kalau kau nak cakap pasal persamaan taraf dalam perkara yang melibatkan ekonomi atau hak asasi antara lelaki dan perempuan yang tu tak ada masalah. Macam pasal education, levels of wages, employments. Benda tu dua isu yang lain, tapi dia jadi masalah bila orang nak jadikan quran atau hadith untuk sokong hujah dia. So sekarang ni kau nak cakap pasal feminism in what context? Nak kasi statement tu biar specific sikit so orang tak pening kepala.

**

Sampai sekarang tak berbunyi dah pasal isu feminism tu.

Ada orang akan pandang aku jenis yang suka bangkang. Semua benda tak kena. Sampaikan ada sorang kawan ni takut nak bagi pandangan kalau aku tengah dengar sebab risau aku cantas. Kebanyakkan masa aku lebih banyak diam je. Seronok dapat dengar pendapat orang. Dari situ kita boleh agak fikrah dia macam mana.

And actually kalau kurang bercakap ni kurang sikit terserlah kebodohannya. Bila bercakap tu pulak pasal benda yang kita betul-betul arif and tahu, orang mesti nak expect lebih. Haa itu rahsianya, silakan mencuba.

Oh point dia dekat atas tu, jangan ajak aku debat, Diskusi tak apa :)

*post tiada kaitan dengan gambar*

BOB Update #1

Tak tergerak pung nak tulis blog ni since berkurun dah laptop rosak tapi nekad juga tulis satu guna phone ni haa. Gigih tak pasal pasal.

Sebabnya mudah. Mungkin coverage orang dekat UK sana laju sangat sampai Malaysia kena sambar petir ke apa tak tahulah. Ha ha hambar much. Hahahaha. Mungkin sibuk meneroka dunia baru, makanan baru, bangunan baru, orang baru dsb jadi tak sempat nak update blog atau dimana-manalah. Atau mungkin gap masa yang gila melampau 7 jam beza.

Jadi tak apa kita bagi mereka masa untuk adapt dulu dengan situasi yang segalanya masih baru. 

Yang di Malaysia semua sihat je alhamdulillah. Mungkin bukan berita baru tapi sahabat UK memana yang tak tahu ada beberapa sahabat kita yang menghidap penyakit hati yang kronik. Minta jasa baik semua sedekahkan doa untuk kesihatan beliau-beliau. Kerana pendapat doktor kata penyakit sakit hati dan iri hati ni tak ada penawarnya.

Yang selebihnya meneruskan hidup sambung pelajaran di mana-mana yang mahu.

Kebanyakkan ipta dah mula semester awal september hari tu. Ada yang dah selamat masuk ipta dan ada yang berhajat untuk tunggu tahun depan untuk memohon kemasukan ke ipta. Yang ke ipts pulak, uniten mula semester pertengahan oktober. MMU start semester awal november and UTP sila cari sendiri hehe tak tahu.

Itulah update sikit-sikit student oversea sangkut kat Malaysia ni. Tak banyak pon. Nak kongsi pon tak rasa teruja haha. Cukuplah tanya dekat Malaysia macam mana dekat Malaysia macam mana. Sama je.

Yang terujanya nak tahu dekat UK macam mana dekat UK macam mana. Jadi student oversea sangkut kat UK tu kalau ada masa lapang updatelah life dekat sana.

Tak apa kitorang annoying sikit je tapi terujanya banyak huhu. Series. Cerita lah sejuk ke panas ke. Makan apa? Solat cemana, kelas apa semua. Cerita kelakar, cerita macam tak kelakar.

Janganlah korang rasa janggal nak share benda tu semua. Dahla korang (mungkin) rasa bersalah bila nak tinggal member masa fly dulu. Jangan sekarang korang nak hidup dekat sana pun penuh dengan rasa bersalah. Alemak kelakar ngat. 

Bak kata mat luthfi BOB ( buat orang bersalah ) ini semua.

Life saya punya update alhamdulillah setakat ni doktor kata hati saya sado cukup untuk bertahan 3 tahun akan datang lagi. Dia tak tahu berapa gulung salotape heavy duty habis nak balut biar kasi sado haa. So sekarang tengah tunggu register masuk MMU, Cyberjaya untuk course Business Administration (Marketing w Multimedia). Masuk insyallah 16/11. Untuk bulan Oktober ni tengah busy buat lesen kereta dan buat tahi mata serta segala tahi yang ada. Haaaa hahahahah. 

Apa lagi nak cerita? Itu jelah beside still lagi solo dan masih menunggu pinangan. Cepat ye ayah dah berkenan anak ustaz jiran sebelah.

Hahaha hmm.

Sahabat UK sana jaga diri. Insyallah jihad fi sabilillah. Rasa susah, rasa senang, sunyi, sedih ke macam mana ingat Allah ada. Dah ada dekat negara orang bukan lagi senang, tapi mesti lagi susah. Be brave. #Allegiant

Haha sudahlah mengarut. Sakit hati pulak menaip pakai phone ni. Okay dah panjang lebar tulis ni minta tolong hargai kegigihan saya. Lepas ni dah jangan tanya Malysia macam mana? BOB sangat anda ni. Laser sampai tembus baru tahu. Huhu bubye.

Oh ye. Disebabkan BOB bermaharajalela di fb. Saya jarang dah post masalah dunia, negara, kisah hidup di fb.

Against the Tides

Greece. Haiti.

These are some examples of the third world country that had a very low economics growth – each for a very different reason. Though the possible factors are unlikely, both countries had suffered the same consequences. I often wonder, which side does Economist usually take? The one side that profit the government or the other side that prioritising the welfare of the civilians.

We (Economics students) had been familiarise with the theory of Production Possibility Frontier (PPF), where in order to produce a certain degree of goods A, we had to forgo a certain degree of goods B because of the resources constraint. This is what we called as an opportunity cost. In order to produce a car, we had to forgo the negative social effect that it may cause (pollution and disease). To put with, it is inevitable to better off a party without worsening off the other party.

So, it went back to the question above; which side does the Economist usually take? Or is it possible to not taking side. We are not just dealing with the economy, we are also dealing with the people heavily relied by that economy. All these while, it was not just theories, formulas or models meant to be memorise for examination and forgotten later on, if not to alert us to improve the economic and social state of the people.

Nowadays, I can’t help laughing to myself realising how irrelevant all those theories and models are when applied to the real world. Instead, I don’t feel like I even need those two years of bloodshed tears when I found that you can just be anyone to be an ‘economics experts’. It irritates me more when most of our leaders who are well-equipped with Master in Economics aren’t even behaving like how they should be – scholarly and unpretentious.

Economics should be a tool to help people and to make better of the world. It should not be used to overpower the weak and exploit the poor. I got a friend who believes that economy had been a major reason that divided people.

“I feel that economy should be our least priority in order to build a harmony country. We could see what had happened to our country when we are too focused to make greater of our economy. Because of economy, people are fighting with each other. All bad things had happened and it was all because of our greed to accomplish a better economic state!”

Honestly, to hear that kind of unjust accusation towards economy from a great scholar that are going to major in Economics itself are quite bizarre. I believe it was emotion that talks that night. To be swarm in a reality where you had no idea what the future are going to be and to not be able to do anything about it, it sure are sickening. It made you feel hopeless. Weirdly, these kinds of situations are always making me grow more determined.

There will always exit a fellow like him, the kind of economist that will always put people out of anything as their top priority. I, on the other hand, find it difficult to be of the same mind as him. Why did we always tend to choose a side when we are more than able to better off both? Ironically, the way we are thinking had already proved that the opportunity cost model was applicably right.

I had fall into arguments with some frineds last week.

Me : ‘Guys, someone asked me what side I’m on – fight or flight? What side you guys are on? Are you guys really wanted to fly?’

A : ‘You don’t? Of course, I wanted to. But Kak Nani, what’s on your mind?’

B : ‘Aren’t we already agreeing about this. That we’re going to give it all out. We have to have faith. We said that we’re going to help unfortunate people like Fizah and all, right? We have to fight. For their sake.’

Me : ‘Honestly, right now my priority is that for everybody to be able to receive the scholarship. If with me not flying JPA would consider sponsoring every each of us, that’s what I’m likely to do.’

Every time, I had always forced myself to not be selfish. To not talk or give any opinion when I’m on a bad state of emotion. To always be able to give solid justification on the things that I’m going to say or do. To contemplate factors, consequences, pros and cons. To ask when I’m in hesitation and having no knowledge about the issues asked. To hear and listen to others side of the story.

B : ‘Government is government. Even though they don’t have any money, they could loan it elsewhere..’

Sometimes, when bad things happened we tend to point a finger. We tend to find the cause of the problems and we only look at the bad point that they had done? I asked you this. Does it do any help? In fact, it did nothing. When situations like this came, I often wonder which side I am. I’m not favoring the government, but I don’t entirely blame them. And it’s not like I don’t think about the people’s welfare, I do.

Me : ‘Please don’t think it like that. This is our country. Think about the future generations, they deserve to be sponsored like we did too.’

Sometimes, I could be quite harsh. But, that would be when I want my words to be heard. You don't have to be totally agree with me but I just want you to spare some time to listen and give it a deep thought before you started listing out speculations and giving false judgments. I honestly don’t take sides. When dealing with the reality as of today, it’s hard to even point a finger. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? How would we even know? All these while, many had asked the wrong question. No, do we even know what the right questions to ask are?

Everywhere you turned, you could clearly see that people are pressed. And in many situations like this, we tend to make the wrong decision. We are rush in making judgement, we don't think. We feel like we are doing it right, but the truth is we are dead wrong. And we will be regretting it, sooner or latter.

It brought me to realise that actually I had been playing a game at BTN that was so much alike with the situation I had encounter these days.

We were given a piece of paper, the instruction given to us was very clear. Read all of the questions, than answer them within 4 minutes. I could still remember the facilitator repeating the same instruction over and over. However, the part that we selectively payed attention to is only 'Answer all of the questions within 4 minutes!'. And as soon as we flipped the paper up, we turned into a race against times and tried to answer as many questions as possible.

Then, I stopped a minute and turned to my friend on the left. Why aren't she writing anything? Whatever, I better finish this fast. No, wait. Really, why aren't she practically doing anything? Something is wrong. This is wrong, isn't it. I turned to her again. She repeated the previous instruction given by the facilitator. I know, in 4 minutes right? She shakes her head hard and point to the bottom of the paper.

Bewildered. I gave her a surprised look. The last instruction say, if you are a Muslim only answer question number 10 and 15. I f you are a non-Muslim please answer all question beside question number 10 and 15.

That moment when you realised you had made a fool of yourself and it's just too late to do anything, it's hurting my pride. That was something really precious that I had learned there. And I really don't intend to fool myself a second time this time. I also don't want my friends to make the same mistakes again. So, try to give it some times when you are making a decision. Get rid all of the factors that might pressured you up like families, moneys, times, expectations and negative emotions. Consider the choices you have and the risk that might come up. I had stressed it many times to all of my friends, think!

Funny Story

The Manhattan Bridge. It seems like a perfect place. At this height, anyone who jumps will be dead for sure. Maybe no one will find the body. Not until it floats and been found by the coaster. And, it was still night. No one will bother to notice to stop me.

‘Hey Craig, what about the bike?’

‘I want to kill myself I don’t care about the bike.’

‘Don’t you ever think what if I might want it later?’

‘Yeah hon, that’s your problem. You never care about us. You never think what might happen to us when you are gone.’

I love the movie. The book.

It’s a story about how a teenage boy ending up in an adult psychiatry ward unit. He thinks that he can’t handle the outside world. Growing up full with expectations, eventually he just can’t catch up. He was afraid of letting his father down, so afraid of not going to be accepted in one of the most prestigious summer school and thus, being left out by his incredibly genius friends.

I guess this are the most common concern kids these day will have. At the moment, it feels so big and important. You spent hours and days coming up with alternatives but no, it still won’t work out. You ran.

Just like Craig.

But, Craig ran to make better of his life. He knows that he needs help and he was not ashamed to admit his ‘sicknesses’.

‘Can you explain what are you feeling this morning that trigger you to this place?’

‘It’s hard to explain. But, it feels big. Like I don’t know what I might do to myself if I was out there.’

Sometimes, it’s hard to explain all that you feel inside. It’s not like you had any particular reasons why you might had feel depressed. That was why I believe human are a very powerful creature. Their ability to withstand and understand is immeasurable. We could never tell how patience a person is nor could we tell how understanding a person is.

Other people might feel that our problems are insignificant to theirs. We feel that they don’t understand us. But, had you tried to understand them. Had you both tried to make understand of each other?

No problems are too big or too small. They are just the I-can-handle-it-problems and the I-don’t-think-I-can-settled-it-problems. Every problem comes with an answer. Have faith in that statement. It just that sometimes in order to find the exact answer, you had to go a long way. You had to do countless of try and error. And, many find it easier to leave it blank rather than giving it a try.

I met my college junior earlier today.

‘I’d made my mind. I want to give up my studies abroad and continue it in local university instead.’

‘Don’t you want to at least give it a try? There’s still plenty of time until the A2 exam. Besides dik, I have plenty of friends that were once on the same situation as you. They didn’t met the cut off point for the AS exam but, they still make it through at the end.’

‘I can’t guarantee it will be the same for me kak. I know my performance and it feels so hard. Besides I don’t want to put my future at stake.’

‘So, what’s your plan?’

‘Are your parents okay with your decisions?’

‘What course did you take? What’s your subject combination?’

‘Had you apply any of the local universities?’

‘Will you.. be fine?’

To be able to console a soul today, I feel my own consoled. Sometimes, it was much easier to find happiness in others happiness. Honestly, I really need someone to hear me out. I want to pour everything that I had kept inside. I just want someone to listen. Someone that will understand, without me having to utter the words to describe.

But, no.

I had always been the one that listened. All the time. I console myself by consoling others. I had always thought that by that I will be more at ease. But now I’m not sure anymore. When I decide to open up, it feels like no one cares.

I lied. By saying that I’m fine. I had to. Because I need to live. To move on. To forget. To dream.. again.

But, I am fine.. really.

Telan Kaca di BTN

(Post kali ni edisi rempit sikit, harap maklum)

Meru.

Aku dah mula menjejak kaki ke BTN Meru seawal usia aku tak reti mengelap hingus lagi, pakai tudung pun tanggal buka tanggal buka. Kira-kira antara tahun 2005/2006. Tapi tika itu bukan aku yang diBTNkan. Aku cuma mengikut ibu memBTN anak-anak murid dia.

Menjejajak kenanganlah kiranya datang balik ke kem ni. Kalau dulu, aku masih ingat merayau-rayau celah kakak-kakak waktu ceramah. Ingat lagi kena cubit-cubit pipi dengan akak-akak yang dua kali tinggi dari aku. Ingat lagi aku kena tidur atas lantai dengan cikgu-cikgu yang lain dekat bilik kecik sebelah dewan tu. Siapa sangka 10 tahun kemudian aku yang duduk sampai sakit pinggang berjam-jam lamanya mendengar sesi ceramah dan diskusi yang ada.

Kawan-kawan banyak pesan, ‘korang jangan melawan, ikut je dia kata apa’. Jadi persepsi aku sebelum ke BTN agak kotor dan sempit. Bukan aku ni jenis yang senang-senang nak kena brainwash pon, tapi aku pon bukanlah jenis yang sesuka hati nak merebel tak tentu pasal tanpa menjustifikasi dan merasional terlebih dulu (boleh dibahaskan).

Jadi sepanjang 5 hari 4 malam tu, aku cuma menjadi aku. Aku memang jenis yang banyak mempersoalkan benda, lagi-lagi kalau benda tu diluar bidang kemahiran aku. Jadi istilah ‘senyap’ dan ‘terima’ memang bukan prinsip akulah. Ada benda yang kita boleh sami’na wa ato’na, and ada benda yang kita tak boleh nak main ikut je.

Basically, ada 4 slot wacana minda daripada speaker-speaker yang memang mantaplah. And 9 slot (18 jam) ldk dengan fasi kumpulan masing-masing. Jangan risau, tak pecah pon modul dalam ldk tu. Apa yang aku nak kongsi sebenarnya ialah persepsi aku. Bukan terhadap modul BTN ni. Tapi terhadap orang yang macam-macam jenis kau akan jumpa dalam BTN ni.

Pelik. Modul sama. Objektif kem ni sama. Tapi macam mana reaksi dan interpretasi lain-lain orang boleh berbeza. Dia buat aku sampai rasa, weh fasi korang cakap apa haa kenapa aku tak fikir pon sampai macam tu. Dia maksudkan macam ni ni ni ni lah, bukannya macam tu tu tu tu.

Kalau nak ikutkan, benda-benda yang kecil macam ni lah yang boleh bawak sampai bergaduh. So, terima and faham. Yang setiap orang kepala otak dia lain-lain, jangan nak ikut kepala sendiri. Lain pendapat tak semestinya salah. Macam analogi yang dua orang diletakkan berhadapan. Ditengah-tengah diorang ada objek bulat. Bila ditanya apa bentuk bayang-bayang yang diorang nampak. Sorang kata bentuk bulat, and sorang lagi kata bentuk silinder. Lain jawapan, tapi dua-dua jawapan tu betul. Apa faktor penyebab jawapan tu lain ialah sebab diorang berada di angle yang berbeza. And kalau nak ikut situasi sekarang, angle tu ialah perspektif.

Begitulah. Jadi dipendekkan cerita, memang aku mengaku aku buat perangai gila sikit dekat BTN ni. Saja nak naikkan mood kawan-kawan yang mungkin penat or dah ada negative impression, aku meredah 5 6 jam nak ke Klang ni semata pergi kursus BTN lepastu balik macam tulah jugak. So, kalaupun diorang tak enjoy dekat BTN ni at least diorang ingatlah betapa annoying aku 5 hari 4 malam tu huhu.

Berbumbung dengan dormmates 5 hari 4 malam tu, jujur banyak benda aku senyapkan aje. Banyak benda yang aku nak argue, tapi aku rileks rileks dulu. Satu perkaralah pasal circle of friends aku selama 2 tahun dekat INTEC ni yang aku perasan ialah kitorang banyak betul mulut dekat belakang. Fuh, kalau mintak hujah time ni lah macam air keluar. Fu fu fu. Tapi kalau mintak keluar statement, semua macam krik krik krik krik.

Aku lebih suka kalau dekat belakang diorang berani cakap macam tu, pastikan dekat depan pon berani cakap benda yang sama. Kita dah cukup ramai manusia yang belakang je cakap lebat tapi bila ditolak ke depan tersipu-sipu macam kena sembelit. Apa yang selama ni aku belajar bila banyak kena tegur dengan orang (orang hebat tahap sheikh pak lebai pulak tu) ialah macam mana nak tahu pandangan kita tu hanya ikut emosi atau tak, tengok macam mana cara dia suarakan pandangan tu.

Orang yang cakap hanya ikut emosi, dia cakaplah pung pang pung pang biaq pi orang nak kata apa. Tapi orang yang cakap ikut akal, orang macam ni dia mungkin tak akan bercakap langsung. Bukan sebab dia pengecut. Weh, aku cakap macam ni kang tak pasal-pasal kena tahan ISA.Tapi dia fikir dulu. Pengalaman akulah, aku pernah berada di situasi terlalu berani sampai semua benda aku nak ulas. Dekat fb lagi tu. Sampai satu tahap dua kali ditegur mengenai kebodohan yang terang tang tang pulak tu oleh hamba-hamba Allah yang budiman.

Bak kata seorang saudara, kalau engkau berjalan dan terjatuh ke dalam lubang buat pertama kali itu tidak apa. Jika kau jatuh lagi kali kedua itu mungkin sebab kau terlupa. Tapi jika kau jatuh dilubang yang sama buat kali ketiga, kau bodoh.

Jadi, ditegur buat aku menjadi lebih berhati-hati mengeluar statement. Tapi janganlah sebab malu kena tegur terus sampai takde stand or opinion. Aku jenis yang direct. Tapi aku belajar untuk tapis kedirectan aku tu untuk adapt dengan kawan sekeliling. Kalau aku dapat terima opinion atau fikrah seseorang tu aku akan try move along dengan dia. Tapi kalau aku rasa tak sebulu, senyap dan cuba berlapang dada tu lebih baik kan.

Secondly, cerita dalam bilik ldk.

Langkah kaki kanan awal-awal tu dah letak niat, tutup mulut tu ika jangan rebel. Tapi jauh panggang dari api. Boleh pulak sampai bertekak berdua dengan ex-classmate. Sepanjang dua tahun hidup dengan budak-budak INTEC tak pernah lagilah aku tunjuk perangai aku yang ini. Selama ni aku just ok ok fine kau betul kau betul dah tak payah bising. Tapi time ldk haritu aku asik provoke orang je huhu.

Aku: Saya nak tanya dekat anda berdua yang pilih agama sebagai 20 sen. Kita selalu pandang dalam konteks sebagai seorang Muslim. Tapi cuba lihat dari perspektif agama-agama lain jugak? Mampukah dalam realiti sekarang ni untuk kita capai kata sepakat lagi-lagi dalam perkara yang melibatkan agama yang memang susah untuk orang nak berkompromi. Sedangkan sesama Islam sendiri kita masih bertelagah.

Thalhah potong: Saya gagal untuk bersetuju dengan apa yang saudari Syafiqah cuba sampaikan. Kenapa kita tidak meraikan kepelbagaian. Tak semestinya perlu hanya satu agama sahaja di dalam sesebuah negara. Saya juga memilih agama sebagai 20 sen. Bagi saya, perkara yang paling hebat yang kita dapat perolehi daripada agama ialah hope. Semua agama mengajak kepada kebaikan. Tiada satu agama pun yang menyuruh kepada kejahatan….(apatah lagi dah lupa)

Cuba kita lihat contoh penghijrahan nabi Muhammad SAW dari Mekah ke Madinah, waktu itu pelbagai agama dapat hidup dengan aman dan damai… (pon tak ingat)

Aku: Menarik contoh yang anda bagi. Tapi macam yang kita sedia maklum juga tiga perkara terawal yang baginda buat sewaktu hijrah baginda daripada mekah ke madinah ialah memberi salam, membina masjid dan mempersaudarakan Muhajirin dan Ansar. Apa rasional baginda membina masjid dahulu baru mempersaudarakan Muhajirin dan Ansar? Kita tahu pada zaman dahulu masjid ni berfungsi sebagai sebuah pusat untuk pentadbiran, pendidikan dsb.

Samalah macam fungsi sebuah negara. Kita perlu ada sebuah negara yang pemerintahannya baik baru semua agama yang ada didalamnya mampu diamalkan dengan aman. Saya amik contoh lain ketika Islam telah menakluk 2/3 dunia. Apa tujuan Islam menakluk negara-negara lain seperti Parsi dan Rom. Tujuan dia bukan supaya semua orang yang lain pun kena masuk Islam sama. Tapi supaya Islam dapat disebarkan, supaya penganut agama Islam dapat dilindungi dan supaya orang-orang yang bukan Islam pun dapat hidup dengan aman takde perang-perang.

Amik contoh sekarang ketika penganut Buddha dan Islam bertelagah di Rohingya. Apa yang jadi? Kerana kita tiada sebuah khilafah atau kerajaan Islam yang mampu melindungi penganut Islam itu sendiri, mereka dibunuh, diseksa dan diusir.

Thalhah potong lagi: Saudari Syafiqah tidak mengikuti perkembangan isu Rohingya secara terperinci. Malaysia menerima orang-orang Rohingya kerana mereka merupakan saudara se-Islam kita.

Aku potong pulak: Malaysia mampu menerima mereka kerana kita ada sebuah negara dan kerajaan yang kukuh. Negara Islam.

(Sedut hingussss sambil sengih sinis)

Dah habis slot tu ada sorang groupmate tanya, kau dengan Thalhah memang selalu bergaduh ke?

Ampun Thalhah. Tak layak nak bertekak pon dengan Thalhah ni sebenarnya. Orangnya hebat sangat. Debater SDAR kot mana taknya. Dia kalau nak cantas aku bebila dia nak pon boleh je. Tapi tulah. Aku semacam ada instinct yang dia takut dengan aku. Bukan takut aku. Tapi takut nak kata aku salah. Tuhan. Kadang-kadang fed up bila orang takut nak tegur kita. Aku pakai tudung labuh nampak alim-alim sikit, bukannya aku betul semua. Kadang-kadang tu gila jugak.

So dalam kes dekat atas tadi. Bagi aku agama tu no 1. Tapi dalam reality yang semua orang nak kata agama dia yang betul agama orang lain salah, at least kena ada satu kepala. Macam sotong.Tak kisahlah berapa kaki dia ada tapi kepala tetap satu. Bayangkan banyak kepala tapi kaki satu.

Banyaklah berbeza pendapat dengan groupmates masa ldk.Aku pon banyak je kena provoke dengan fasi sampai tercenggang garu kepala terpusing-pusing kanan kiri mintak member back up. Lepastu bisik angin dekat fasi cakap, saya tak tahu hehe. Begitulah.

Sampai malam terakhir.

Bagi aku malam ni memang spoil sangat mood aku dekat BTN. Telinga kiri dengar member suruh rebel maki-maki apa semua. Telinga kanan ada member suruh duduk je terima je dia nak buat apa. Depan mata fasi provoke, fikirlah fikir otak tu ada nak buat apa? Tuhan. Waktu tu rasa macam nak meletup kot. Aku dah fikir, kalau ni realiti biarlah aku mati dengan tenang je. Dah habis slot tu pon, aku still tak boleh move on lagi. Revise untuk exam esoknya tu pon tak sebab nak hilangkan marah nak tidur cepat.

Esoknya memang lega sangat sebab apa yang masuk exam tu tak payah baca pon tak apa. Kira macam dendam berbalaslah haha.

Telan kacalah jugak dekat BTN ni (bukan kaca betul ok) sebab banyak benda pahit yang kau kena telan. Satu nasihat, jadilah macam gelas yang kosong dekat sana nati. Amik sebanyak-banyaknya ilmu yang ada. And jangan setakat amik, tapi tapis dulu. Biar bila balik nanti yang ada dalam gelas tu air yang jernih je. Supaya air tu nanti mampu memberi manfaat pulak dekat orang lain dekat luar sana.

p.s: Makan sedap 6 kali sehari, fasi sempoi habis, bilik bersih.

p.s.s: Kalau kau kisas, make sure stay low profile haha.

Membuta Ke Fitrah

Alhamdulillah.

Lepas genap 2 minggu mematikan diri dari media sosial, masih bernyawa lagi. So geng, tak mati eh kalau sehari tak berkepit dengan phone tuh. Jadi, hari raya ni nak mohon maaf zahir batin dari hujung kaki ke hujung kepala. Ada terkasar bahasa, terngumpat, terkata, terguris hati, tertinggi suara, terpandang slack, terstone muka sama ada sengaja atau pun tak sengaja.

Bulan Ramadhan lepas tak banyak benda nak ditulis (banyak sebenarnya). Sebab nak cuba tipu diri sendiri yang selama ni tulis tu bukan setan iblis punya angkara. Dah kurang dah jadi keyboard warrior dekat fb. Nasib baik takde twitter.

Tahan. Tu aim dia kan bulan Ramadhan ni. Supaya kita tahan diri kita dari buat benda yang dah biasa kita buat. Biasa sangat sampai tak sedar yang kadang-kadang apa yang kita buat tu salah. Sama ada melanggar syariat atau cuma ikutkan nafsu.

Bila sampai Ramadhan, baru kita sedar. Besar mana nafsu kita sebab dah tak ada dah setan iblis yang tinggal nak jadi pak hasut. Buat kita sedar mana lagi hina, syaitan ke manusia?

Menjadi manusia, kita dimuliakan kerana akal dan dihinakan kerana nafsu. Sebab itu datang Ramadhan yang mulia. Fungsi dia bukan setakat untuk suruh kita tahan, tapi dalam masa yang sama supaya kita belajar untuk tunduk. Tundukkan nafsu.

Selalu kita dengar, Ramadhan adalah satu madrasah tarbiyah. Yang dalam bulan tersebut sekecil-kecil amalan diganjarkan berlipat-lipat ganda pahala. Tujuan dia mudah. Supaya kita encourage and termotivated untuk buat lebih banyak amalan. Untuk menimbulkan pengharapan dan penyandaran.

Tapi realiTUI nya, tak pernah senang.

Siapa kata senang dari 11 sebulan dah biasa makan lunch kafe A Level tiba-tiba datang bulan puasa macam ayam kena patuk ular tak tahu nak pergi mana. Dari dulu dah biasa gossip cik bedah tiba-tiba bulan puasa payah even nak nampak gigi tak bercakap sebab tekak kering badan rasa macam jelly. Dulu biasa dah tidur lepas subuh, tapi sekarang rasa macam kena laknat tidur lepas subuh sebab terngiang-ngiang hadith nabi, “Celaka barangsiapa yang Ramadhan datang kepadanya tapi tidak diampunkan dosanya.”

Kalau habis terawih, beria azam dekat diri esok aku nak buat taubat, tahajud, tasbih. Bila dah datang esok yang tinggal patah balik dekat terawih. Apa pon tak jalan. Kadang-kadang nak buat sedap hati, kita cakap dekat diri sendiri, ‘Yang penting niat tu dah ada. Takat niat je pon dah boleh dapat pahala kan.’ Lagi kerja nak menipu tuhan.

Benda yang paling susah nak ubah dekat dunia ni adalah diri sendiri. Susah nak letak mindset yang ada malaikat kanan kiri. Tak jauh pon. Tapi, dekat pon tak terasa. Menangislah sebab rasa takut. Menangis sebab rasa marah. Menangis sebab rasa sedih. Dah habis nangis, benda sama jugak buat.

Sedar-sedar dah takbir raya dah pun.

Memang kalau tengok balik Ramadhan yang lepas rasa macam banyak benda lagi yang tak habis nak buat. Tapi pada masa yang sama Syawal pon kita kena raikan sebagai satu tanda kemenangan. Part mana yang dah menang tu pon tak tahulah. Tapi time Syawal ni lah kita kena pasang azam untuk berubah, untuk start anew. Nama pon Aidil Fitri. Hari raya fitrah.

So, point dia. Sempena Syawal ni kan boleh tak kalau nak aku nak membutakan mata sekejap dari masalah-masalah sosial/ekonomi/politik hari ni. Sebab aku sedar yang hati aku selalu risau. Tak tenang. Kalau dulu, petir ke puting beliung datang macam mana pun aku still boleh cool. Takpe, Allah ada. Jangan takut, rileks rileks.Dia macam kau boleh rasa satu kuasa super saiya yang akan protect kau tak kira apa benda nak jadi.

Sekarang, cakaplah apa je yang tak buat aku ketaq. Lagi baru-baru ni dapat tahu yang MARA tak nak hantar student fly UK sebab currency tinggi sangat. Nak main tuding-tuding jari salahkan orang lain pon dah tak guna dah.

Apalah salahnya kalau dari dulu buat hudud. Dah takde dah isu pecah-pecah amanah ni. Duit hilang lah, rasuah lah, riba lah. Brunei tu pon jadi lagi miskin ke dah laksanakan hudud. Tak kan. Cakap pasal hudud, tak cerita lagi isu PAS-DAP dekat Kelantan. Sekarang ada GHB (Gerakan Harapan Baru) pulak. Kita nak berlawan parti ke nak tegakan Islam ni. Macam mana Malaysia tak haru-biru macam ni. Semua nak dulukan kepentingan politik. Duduk dalam hutan buat parti sendirilah.

Ni lah ni sebabnya aku nak stop kejap dari tengok berita. Asik nak rasa marah je. Sedih tengok bangsa sendiri macam ni. Orang-orang yang diberi tanggungjawab memfitnah dan membodohkan satu sama lain. Apa peel lah ni. Baru haritu tengok berita ada orang minta Ketua Polis Negara tahan Tun M. Lepastu, ada lagi yang suruh pihak berkuasa siasat kekayaan anak Tun M, Mokhzani sebab dia ni kaya sangat sampai ada 18 biji kereta mewah. Isu dekat Plaza Low Yat lagi, Wall Street Journal lagi.

Garu kepala jelah tengok berita sekarang ni. Tak ambil tahu nantikan kata ignorant. Bila ambil tahu, kita comment sikit dia kata alah budak-budak apa tahu.

Menunggu masa je bila semua isu ni nak senyap sendiri. Tak penat ke Malaysia? Malaysia ni kalau nak kaya sekelip mata je boleh. Nak maju pon lagilah boleh. Tapi dengan syarat, masyarakat dengan pemimpin semua kena bersatu. Apa yang held back kita ialah semua nak ikut kepala sendiri. Semua nak peel macam Hang Jebat. Tak melayu hilang di dunia kan katanya? Akhirnya apa jadi, mati. Malulah kita mengaku berjiran dengan Singapore dan Brunei.

Bila sayang tinggal-tinggalkan. Tolonglah JPA hantar kami ke UK nak tinggalkan Malaysia ni sebab sayang sangat tahap maksima dah.

*currently reading*

Amanda Prowse, What Have I Done?

Kathryn Brooker made me wonder is this actually what every mother and wife had felt? It made me reflect on what my mom had been through and what exactly has she felt. And most importantly on what will I go through in the future.

She is either tough enough to bear all the suffering and pain she didn’t deserve to get or she is just that stupid letting herself being hurt by not fighting back.

That’s frustrating moment when she got cut by her husband and I literally go, bapaklah hentak jelah kepala dia dengan stick hockey ke baseball!

Lucky me I have both in my room. Just in case.

Sometimes, I don’t understand what power men have over women that made them think that it’s okay to hurt women. Physically or verbally. No. I can’t understand more why women letting themselves to be hurt in the first place.

“Are you mad, Mark? Is this where this comes from? Are you insane? Do you know that you are mad, or do you think that you are not? It surely has to be madness that drives you. It has to be an unsound mind, a cruel and mad disposition that drives you to do those unspeakable things to me.

Where does it come from, Mark? Did someone do bad things to you? Where does the idea germinate? Does your behavior bring you joy or sadness? It brings me sadness, Mark; it brings me great sadness. You have taken the person that I was and you have slowly dismantle me over the years until this is all that is left, this shell, this casing, that used to house a person. It used to house me, but me is gone and the husk that is left.”

Kathryn is an ambitious woman. She knows what to do in her life. She has plans. Having met and married to Mark Brooker, her life turns to hell. She had to complete a round of chores every day, often pointless and repetitive chores that were designed to exhaust and break her spirit. Then, later at night Mark would allocate her points according to how badly he thought she had executed the chores. These points on a scale of one to ten would determine what came next.

The deepness of the cut.

After a long sixteen years, she killed him. Knifed him in the gut and called the police to report the crime she unapologetically commits.

This story reminds me to KL Noir Short Stories, on how a man got arrest for beating up a guy that harass her mother. Or when a man beat up a guy that killed a cat at pasar malam and on how a man got lock up for stealing RM5 from the tabung masjid to buy a lunch.

Those stories might only be just a fiction. But the message that it brought are so clear.

Crime is Oxford-dictionarily defined as:

1. Activities that involve breaking the law.

2. An illegal act or activity that can be punished by law.

3. An act that you think is immoral or is a big mistake.

None of the above definition mentioned the relatedness of justice with crime. Crime is not an act of injustice but it’s an act of breaking the law. But, whose law? You see, these man-made laws aren’t always able to bring out justice. It’s only flaws are that they are made and carry out by us; human.

Law had always works on the equality term. Never on the equity term. That’s why we still have crimes even with thousand of laws and decree established.

That’s the reason why I failed to see that Kathryn is guilty. She’d been sentenced for five years in jail for the crime of law that she breaks. Killing is a crime. But, when her life is at stake, it would be more sinful just letting it go. Because then there’ll be no different than to just commit a ‘suicide’.

I like Kathryn. She acts so indifferent by not shamefully admits about her past. The facts that she is innocent and a victim even didn’t have to be acknowledge by others, because they didn’t know what she had suffered.

Her fight is so inspiring and beautiful. But her loves for her children are not. It had weakened and paralyzed her completely. Besides, they can’t be consider as children. Not anymore. They are young adults with mentally-rude behaviours. Should have just tossed them in the mental ward to fix that loose wire in their brain. Tchhh those kids.

KL NOIR: BLUE

This is my first time reading Fixi and seangkatan dengannya. Sometimes, these kinds of books are so tempting, but for the past years you don’t know how much effort I had put in not buying them. Why? I don’t quite know myself.

Maybe because I love book so much to the extent I hate the thought that people could also corrupt it when writing their mind out. Corruption and me really don’t go well these days, you know.

Before, if you look at books, they are all facts, fictions, biographies, self developments, ancient histories, beautifully written novels, social studies, current –theme issues, but now all that I see is a bunch of people desperately needed to be heard. I got scared. I had always avoided that one shelf which full with fixis and Indies.

Books are my sanctuary. I don’t like to see it was ill written.

So, this time I had kill my own prejudice and decide to read one. I guess I’m really out of luck. The book should consider labeling itself ‘unfiltered’ on its cover page so then I better know myself not to buy it again next time. Duh.

If you consider on reading this book, make sure you are cukup umur, are okay with vulgar words, quick to catch up, not reading it in bulan Ramadhan because kuranglah pahala puasa kau, don’t mind with bahasa rojak and last but not least are okay with what-the-heck-had-happened punya ending.

Sorry, I expressed better when I do rojak. Or when I get really fed up.

So like the saying goes, ‘buang yang keruh amik yang jernih’, I’ll try to extract some of the good point that the book had so that at least, this reading could actually become worthier.

KL Noir: Blue

It consists of 15 short stories each from a different writer. Most of the setting took place in Kuala Lumpur and around Selangor. You’ll read some common places like Brickfield quite often. I don’t really understand the genre. Is it horror, true story, fiction, supernatural, crime? I guess it’s a mix of all that.

“Revenge is not justice, since the warpath the revenger embarks on is inherently unjust. But when criminality pervades the centers of justice, the lawmakers become the lawbreakers. The corruption of our trusted institution signals to the revenger (and the reader) an overriding need for vengeance.”

- Eeleen Lee, Editor.

I actually love some of the stories like Monster by Xeus, Mirage by Zed Adam, Sinful Saints by Iqbal Abu Bakar and Ah Beng's Wedding by William Tham Wai Liang. That's pretty much.

Just because these stories have points that arguably true. 

"Law and justice, young man, are not the same thing. Sometimes you have to break the law in order to bring out justice. They fight to defend the law in the courtroom, not justice. And laws are like cobwebs. They catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through."

- Sinful Sainst, Iqbal Abu Bakar.

" At least in the old days, people did it for a cause, for the greater good. But now, it's like we are moving backwards. It's like the more advanced we are, the more excuse we find to spill blood. Our own blood."

- Whose Blood Was It, Anyway?, Mamu Vies.

"Justice doesn't necessarily wear a uniform. Neither does it come automatically with a position of power."

- Unwanted Utopia II, Deviant.