The
Manhattan Bridge. It seems like a perfect place. At this height, anyone who
jumps will be dead for sure. Maybe no one will find the body. Not until it
floats and been found by the coaster. And, it was still night. No one will
bother to notice to stop me.
‘Hey Craig,
what about the bike?’
‘I want to
kill myself I don’t care about the bike.’
‘Don’t you
ever think what if I might want it later?’
‘Yeah hon,
that’s your problem. You never care about us. You never think what might happen
to us when you are gone.’
I love the movie. The book.
It’s a story
about how a teenage boy ending up in an adult psychiatry ward unit. He thinks
that he can’t handle the outside world. Growing up full with expectations, eventually
he just can’t catch up. He was afraid of letting his father down, so afraid of
not going to be accepted in one of the most prestigious summer school and thus,
being left out by his incredibly genius friends.
I guess this
are the most common concern kids these day will have. At the moment, it feels
so big and important. You spent hours and days coming up with alternatives but
no, it still won’t work out. You ran.
Just like
Craig.
But, Craig ran to make better of his life. He knows that he needs help and he was not
ashamed to admit his ‘sicknesses’.
‘Can you
explain what are you feeling this morning that trigger you to this place?’
‘It’s hard
to explain. But, it feels big. Like I don’t know what I might do to myself if I
was out there.’
Sometimes,
it’s hard to explain all that you feel inside. It’s not like you had any
particular reasons why you might had feel depressed. That was why I believe
human are a very powerful creature. Their ability to withstand and understand
is immeasurable. We could never tell how patience a person is nor could we tell
how understanding a person is.
Other people
might feel that our problems are insignificant to theirs. We feel that they
don’t understand us. But, had you tried to understand them. Had you both tried
to make understand of each other?
No problems
are too big or too small. They are just the I-can-handle-it-problems and the
I-don’t-think-I-can-settled-it-problems. Every problem comes with an answer.
Have faith in that statement. It just that sometimes in order to find the exact
answer, you had to go a long way. You had to do countless of try and error. And,
many find it easier to leave it blank rather than giving it a try.
I met my
college junior earlier today.
‘I’d made my
mind. I want to give up my studies abroad and continue it in local university
instead.’
‘Don’t you
want to at least give it a try? There’s still plenty of time until the A2 exam.
Besides dik, I have plenty of friends that were once on the same situation as
you. They didn’t met the cut off point for the AS exam but, they still make it
through at the end.’
‘I can’t
guarantee it will be the same for me kak. I know my performance and it feels so
hard. Besides I don’t want to put my future at stake.’
‘So, what’s
your plan?’
‘Are your
parents okay with your decisions?’
‘What course
did you take? What’s your subject combination?’
‘Had you
apply any of the local universities?’
‘Will you.. be
fine?’
To be able
to console a soul today, I feel my own consoled. Sometimes, it was much easier
to find happiness in others happiness. Honestly, I really need someone to hear
me out. I want to pour everything that I had kept inside. I just want someone
to listen. Someone that will understand, without me having to utter the words
to describe.
But, no.
I had always
been the one that listened. All the time. I console myself by consoling others.
I had always thought that by that I will be more at ease. But now I’m not sure
anymore. When I decide to open up, it feels like no one cares.
I lied. By
saying that I’m fine. I had to. Because I need to live. To move on. To forget.
To dream.. again.
But, I am fine.. really.