2014

No one will ever know how I feel. 

For I cannot even explain it all.

Nobody to love. 

Nobody to blame. 

Everyone always the same.

Nothing to care about. 

No reason to lie. 

For I am me, myself, and I.

No ones sees what I see. 

Nobody left to care for me.

It's kind of sad knowing what's true, 

cause then you know who's there for you.

Most of them just put on that act. 

A lot of them talk bad about me behind my back.

Thanks for making me feel this way, 

there's nothing more I should have to say.

All the times I was alone, 

makes me feel weird when someone's home.

No family for support, 

No friends to care. 

People wonder why I don't go anywhere.

Every night crying myself to sleep, 

Sometimes I wish someone loved me.

No hope, 

No love, 

No life,

 No friends,

 The pain never ends.

Sitting in a empty spare room.

No one to talk to about how I feel. 

No one to ask me what I feel.

Is anyone out there in this harsh world we live in? 

Sometimes I begin to wonder.

Sometimes I'm harsh on myself. 

So always remember keep your head up,

Because another door is opened everytime one is shut.

Hye new year. Really nice to meet you. Can we be friend. Can you guide me to be better. Just so you know, I'd done many bad deeds. The least that I want is to repeat those stupid mistakes again and again. Please help me to find the new me.

Above all that I could wish for, I just want to be good to my creator. Always listen to what He tells me to. And to always please Him in everything that I do. Sometimes, there's day I was so busy I forget Him. And there's time I  felt my heart terrified I spent my whole night pleading. If only I never get tempt so easily. Help me not to do something that I might regret. Help me to change.

This year

I want to make lots of friends

I want to be happy

Make the best of everything

I want to live in the moment

Forget about the past

The pain

I want to forget it all

Let's start anew !

Let's start it all over again !

Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves

                                                                                                                            (13 : 11)

Sarah Sa'irah

Lately we could hear many arguments whether can or not us Muslim wish or say ‘Merry Christmas’. I just don’t get it. It’s not like there’s someone who’ll wish you Merry Christmas if they know you’re Muslim, unless you’re not looking and acting like one. Oh please makan dalam sikit.

So what did it relate with the Sarah Sa’irah I’m going to write. It doesn’t. It just happened to be that I met her yesterday and yesterday was so controversial. Pardon my nonsense.

Oh how I adore her so much.

Actually she is my brother-in-law’s sister. You know, Muaz, the one that married my sister. Sarah is Muaz younger sister. I never thought that I’ll be this close with her. I mean I don’t even know what to say with my own cousin. I like the quote that saying : When you are childhood friend, growing up means growing apart. It’s so trueee.

Yesterday was holiday so we went to visit my sister at her new house at Bangi. It happened that Kak Sarah was staying at my sister house for her sem break. At first it was so awkward. I never actually talk with anyone from Muaz family. I’m shy you. Haha

kak sarah yg kiri sekali ~

So as times goes, there’s moment when the house turn so quiet it’s hard not to make an eye contact with her. Then we talked and laughed and she even told me about her crush! I mean who will tell people about their crush on a first met right. I don’t believe it that we took this long to open up to each other. My sister got married on February and it’s already December now. Better late than never.

She’s so bright and quite a mouth too. As usual I just do the listening but it was fun though. Especially when it comes to boys. We laugh and laugh, Muaz and my sister gave us an unusual face. A moment ago we’re complete stranger and now we’re laughing our heart out.

Tbh, my mood was so good yesterday that even a bad result can’t spoil it. I was quite sad about my result of course but I was in such a great mood. I am complicated.

Appreciate every person that walks in your life.

Result Keluar Dah

Berdebarlah jugak nak check result online ni. Yelah selama ni cikgu bagi kertas, calculate sendiri pastu redha. Tapi sekarang klik je terus keluar. Ah cane result??

First tengok tu kecewa betul. Pastu lega sikit. Last sekali, eh not bad what. Dengan bangganya terus print bagi kat ayah, 'nah result ika. ada satu c hehe'. Ahha kantoi ada c. Takpe lah benda dah lepas. Nak nyorok2 pon bukan nya ada orang kesah sangat pun. Kita je yang melebih.

So sem 1 ni cannot go ni. Dahlah aku amek subjek yang tak pernah belajar sebelum ni. So effort dia patutnya kena double lagi dari bebudak yg dah ada basic. Bak kata ayah masa tengok result tadi, 'tekankan lagi economy ni, ika kan takde basic'. Ahh sempoi betulah ayah ni. Ni yang best parent aku ni. Tengok je lepastu dah.

Tapi bila kawan tanya tu kecik je rasa. Telan liur jugak lah nak menjawabnya. Lagi yang tanya tu perfect score kan. Heh memang menguji keimanan. Tapi normal lah orang nak tahu result kita berapa. Kita pon mesti nak tahu result orang macam mana. Redha jelah sapa suruh result teruk. Huhu. Kalau rasa malu cakap elok2. Janganlah buat tak layan. Terasa tahu terasa.

Kadang2 orang yang dapat result bagus ni mesti nak kongsi happiness dia dengan kawan2. Apa salahnya raikan dorang ni sikit. Dorang struggle macam mana kita tak tahu. Cakaplah tahniah senyum senyum sikit letak smiley satu page besar punya walaupun dalam hati tu Allah je tahu. Sekali sekala gembirakanlah hati kawan. Bukan nya sesapa pon kawan sendiri kan. Esok lusa kita pulak. Ni tak perli lagi, 'yelah orang pandai kan', 'org tu dah pandai xyah study'. . .

Macam ada pengalaman je cakap ni. Adalah sikit2 nak buat modal tuh.

And bagi pihak budak yang dapat result teruk ni, jangan kecewa sangat. Tengok kanan kiri kawan2 semua result dapat straight. 'Apa ni! Dorang pandai sangat ke aku yang tak berapa nak cerdik. Tak boleh jadi ni. Malu lah aku. Dah la budak SBP pulak tu. Push lagi sem 2 nati.' Hah yang ni bagus. Gagal sekali tak bermakna gagal berkali-kali.

Tapi kalau aku kan, jangan malu nak mengaku yang result kita tak berapa nak sampai lah kalau ke dean list bagai tuh. Berani mengaku tu bukan kerja senang tahu. Ego kena campak laut, muka kena tebal. Tapi kenapa ye aku ni dah macam tak berperasaan langsung. Eh mana ada, sedih jugak sebenarnya. Tapi alhamdulillah lepas cut off point. Seronok lepas cut off point lagi tinggi dari sedih tak dapat perfect score.

Bersyukurlah result apa pon yang kita dapat. Kerana itu tanda kita masih punya iman.

Tapi, sentiasalah perbaiki diri.

eh apa show off result ni. stret tak pa lah. suka lah -,-

Kem Remaja Sinergi 4.0

Alhamdulillah.

Jejak jugak akhirnya dekat negeri Perak ni. Ingatkan nak pergi je yg susah rupanya nak balik lagilah dugaan. Ni baru betul cite survival nih. Heh.

Jadi nak dipendekkan cerita, 13-15 disember lepas kitorang (which means fatin and I) pergi kem krs ni dekat Chenderiang, Perak. Mana tahu pasal kem ni?? Aku pak turut je. Ada akak senior kisas yg dekat UTP sekarang dia jadi fasi kem tuh and dia pon promote lah.

Bila dah sampai Chenderiang, aku tergerak hati betul nak bersyukur. Dia punya pendalaman jangan cakaplah. Kitorang sampai lalu kampung orang asli kot. Ada satu rumah tu, relax je ada anjing lagi. Dah aku pulak yang macam orang hulu masuk tempat tuh.

Kem tu dekat kem PLKN. Dekat lah jugak dgn UiTM Seri Iskandar. Ya Allah!!! Serius cantik betul tempat tuh. Kanan kiri nampak gunung. Siap boleh nampak pokok dekat puncak paling atas lagi tuh. Almaklumlah kat bandar selama ni nampak batu konkrit je. Pokok pon siap nak ada macam2 kaler lagi tuh. ICT eh.

Act, kem ni fokus untuk budak2 lepasan SPM sebelum nak masuk IPT. So honestly aku tak fokus sangat pon dekat kem ni. Teruk kan. Asek borak je. Time ada activity je baru aktif sikit. Sikit?? Haha tipu tuh. Sangat sebenarnya.

Hari second lah yang paling best. Pagi tuh kitorang ada senamrobik. Tetiba dia panggil semua yg nama SYAFIQAH datang depan. Memang tak pernah dibuat orang betul. Tapi seronoklah, rasa macam diraikan pulak. Petang ada mock interview untuk form 5 dengan form 6. Tapi kitorang takyah join sebab dah masuk ipt. Jadi join lah kitorang dengan adik2 sayang main game.

Malam ada slot muhasabah dengan malam kebudayaan.

Apa jadi?? Lots of tears, it sure does. Ada lah sikit2 style KPTI masa dekat kisas dulu. 
Rindu kisas :’(

Overall..

Dari segi pengisian dalam kem ni, Alhamdulillah aku rasa ok. Cara penyampaian dia pon tak keras sangat and santai je. Diorang sangat tekankan ‘mutabaah’. Macam qiyam, mathurat, dhuha, al-mulk sume2 tulah. Bagi aku Sinergi ni bagus. Tapi mungkin ada yang boleh dibaiki lagi.

Lepas habis program, kitorang pon buat diskusi berdua. Apa pandangan aku?? Apa pulak pandangan nabil (fatin)??

Memang kitorang bukanlah orang yang selayaknya untuk beri pandangan. Siapa sangat lah kitorang dalam gerakan dakwah macam ni. Hehe. Kat kisas dulu pon kuat naik kepala. Adehh. Tapi nak komen jugak. Banyak ni. Hee chill je.

Selalu dalam kem, akak2 akan cakap ‘nak masuk U nati carilah U yang ada akhawat. Dah habis kem nati pastikan antunna keep contact dengan akhawat’. At first, aku blur betul. Akhawat?? Eh, ada ke U yang tak campur laki perempuan. Asal tak pernah tahu pulak. Lepastu barulah oohhhh. Dia maksudkan akhawat tu dengan akak2 Sinergi tu lah.

Aku tak setuju betul dia cakap macam tuh. Habis U yang lain siapa nak masuk. Aduh. Memanglah nak menjaga biah solehah apa semua. Tapi macam tu U yang takde biah solehah siapa nak biah solehahkan dia. Sepatutnya galakkan lah nak masuk U mana2 pon nati masuklah. Lagi2 IPTS. Tarik pulak orang lain untuk kenal Islam apa semua. Barulah betul kata nak dakwah.

Imam Muda Asyraf pernah cakap, saya risau apa yang saya buat ni bukanlah suatu dakwah tetapi cuma menyampaikan ilmu. Sebab dia cakap, dalam dakwah itu pasti akan berlakunya penentangan. Itulah dakwah yang sebenar. Sekarang ni bukan tentangan tetapi jemputan pulak yang saya terima. Sama macam waktu nabi nak berdakwah dekat kaum Quraish dulu, akan adanya penentangan.

Sekarang ni dekat IPTA dah ada banyak sangat program dakwah macam tu. Tapi kalau dekat IPTS berapa ketul jelah yang ada. Tbh, as student IPTS sendiri aku rasa memang terkapai-kapai betul. Alhamdulillah, dekat kisas dulu dah kena suap sekenyang-kenyangnya. Tapi, biasalah iman turun naik.

Lepastu pasal usrah. Aku sampai rasa aku dah tak faham dah konsep usrah ni macam mana sebenarnya. Dekat INTEC aku ada join usrah. Dia macam kelab smart group macam tu lah. Bukan under mana2 jemaah pon. Lepastu akak tu macam nak kata joinlah usrah Sinergi. Dia tak cakap pon tapi kias je. Usrah Sinergi setiap minggu ada, lepastu tak macam usrah lain yg kadang2 asek bincangkan pasal benda2 common je. Lebih kuranglah.

Aku terkilan sebenarnya.

Sekurang2nya aku join jugak usrah. Mungkin pengisian dia tak semantap macam kat kisas dulu. Siap ada modul bagai. Tapi bagi aku usrah ni lebih kepada ukhuwah. Kita kenal setiap ahli, boleh kongsi masalah, boleh minta nasihat. Untuk nak sampaikan ilmu, usrah ni cuma salah satu dari wasilah je. Yang sebaiknya kita nak sampaikan ilmu ke cari ilmu ke pergi majlis ilmu lah. Pergi pondok ke, belajar kitab, dengar ceramah. Aku lagi suka mengaji macam tuh.

Sebab sebenarnya, err hehe aku tak suka sangat usrah yang sarat sangat dengan pengisian. Aku lebih suka perkongsian. Tapi tulah mungkin setiap orang lain2 kan.

Lepastu ni last. Betul last.

Waktu dekat kem, kitorang ada system merit demerit. Aku ok je sebab yelah nati semua orang akan jadi aktif kan. Semua nak volunteer. Baguslah tu. Tapi yang kelakarnya. Kumpulan kitorang kumpulan 6, satu-satunya kumpulan budak2 umur 18 tahun keatas. Tapi sampai habis kem tu markah kitorang 0 je. Entahlah mugkin sebab dah tua kan so dia macam dah tak kisah sangat.

Lepastu akak fasi kumpulan kitorang tegurlah kenapa tak aktif, kan kitorang kumpulan yang paling tua sepatutnya kitoranglah yang lead adik2. Lepastu kitorang pon guraulah cakap nak bagi chance dekat adik2 je tuh. Pastu akak tu ada cakap, eh mana boleh kita kena ‘fastabiqul khairat’.

Ishh, akak ni ktorang gurau jelah. Kalau macam tu, nak ‘fastabiqul khairat’ pon kita kenalah tengok jugak. Niat macam mana amanah dia lagi. Lagipon nak buat benda baik bukannya untuk dipertontonkan, untuk dapat ganjaran, untuk pujian, untuk sanjungan.

‘Sembunyikanlah perbuatan baikmu sebagaimana engkau menyembunyikan aibmu daripada pengetahuan orang’

Heh ada je nak menjawabnya. Bukan nak kata tak betul. Betul lah kena ‘fastabiqul khairat’ tapi ikut kemampuan masing2. Lagipon bukan benda yang boleh dilihat je dikira benda baik. Kita bersangka baik pon benda baik. Ada orang Allah takdirkan mampu pikul yang besar dan ada yang cuma mampu jinjing yang kecil. Yang pasti nilai pahala itu bukan terletak pada beratnya dan besarnya kebaikan kita tu.

Panjangya komen.

So dah habis kem kitorang pon siap2 lah nak balik. Ya Allah memang dugaan betul. Tulah banyak dosa ni. Asek tak puas hati je. Hehe

Rancangan asalnya, kitorang nak balik naik train Kampar terus balik Selangor. Tapi tiket dah habis. So tukarlah plan naik bas pulak. Faham tak kitorang turun je tetiba nampak bas baru gerak. Memang dua2 tergamam. Macam mana nak balik oi. Dah pusing2 kat situ mintak tumpang dekat peserta lain tetiba ada abang fasi tegur cakap ada satu lagi bas untuk pergi Aman Jaya. Huh lega.

Dari Chenderiang nak ke Aman Jaya tu dah sampai Ipoh rupanya. Orang nak turun dia makin bawak naik atas pulak. Kat Aman Jaya terus beli tiket pergi Pudu. Sampai Pudu naik lrt Plaza Rakyat turun dekat Sungai Besi. Akhirnya gerak ke Kajang, tidur dekat rumah Nabil. Sampai tu dah pukul 10. Kaki dah rasa macam jelly dah. Tapi memang pengalaman baru betul. Esoknya gerak lagi nak balik Klang.

***

Eh tapi seronok tau sebenarnya kem ni. Tahun depan kalau ada lagi join lah. Untuk adik2 yang nak masuk IPT nati all the best.

* tu fatin nabilah tudung biru tuh :)

SPM is over!

The saddest part of being a high school student was the fact that you had to leave it eventually. But, yeah. Life goes on and the past, it had to stay past so that we can call it ‘the past’.

I like recalling the past. Actually, I still can’t make myself let go of it. Maybe I just don’t want to. It’s like me walking forward while my body facing backward. I don’t know what actually coming to me and I’m not prepare for it. It makes me nervous. What if I don’t like it? What if I can’t handle it? That’s why it calls future. No one really knows about it.

My SPM weeks were . . . just not my best memories ever.

I lost friends. I made friends. I studied, ate, prayed, slept all by myself. It’s such a long and lonely day, those days. Everyone studied on their own. The dorm is deserted. And I, I just lay in my bed. I really am.

I often came late to class. I didn’t hang out with my usual friends anymore. Walking alone around the school and rarely smile. That’s all me during the SPM. I always tell myself how I hate SPM so much. Not because I had to study. But, because it’d take everything that I knew away. I was so depressed and I was so tired of keeping everything to myself.

Lucky I had a few friends that are still cared and knew that I’m exist. My bed mates, Iman, Sayyid, Madihah, Aliyah, Farhani, Salwani and Nazirah. Peoples often see them as the nerds just because they are quiet. But, actually they are happy with not many people bothering their life. And those nerds, they help me to survive my most crucial days.

Bless upon them.

Then, it’s over. Everything turns back to where it belongs. My long lost friends suddenly greeted me. If only they knew the loneliness that I’d been through, they won’t dare even to smile at me. I can forgive, everyone can. But to forget, can you?

Some might say, ‘I wish I can have my SPM’s life back’.

Oh, please don’t. Consider someone that spends half of their SPM’s week crying instead of studying. Not everyone so fortunate like you do. And now I know being smart have it price. People will seek you but after they find someone smarter, they’ll leave you.

I have an advice. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, if Allah doesn’t will then it wouldn’t happen. Don’t blame yourself saying that you’re stupid. That’s nonsense. What if you fail? What if you get bad result? That’s the beauty of future, no one live or dead knows about it. Have faith.

In-law

 ‘bukak pintu bilik’

‘semua orang pandang’

‘tutup pintu’

‘dalam bilik'

'aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgggghhhhh’

***

Okay, this is what happens when you have in-law living with you.

You have to cover your aurah in front of them especially your hair.

But, things happen.

And it’s so embarrassing.

Never going to let it happen a second time.

Never.

Dreamer Me

Okay, this is difficult. I'd never thought it'll be this hard. I wonder why I even bother to think about it at the first place. Now, it just give me a headache.

So, it begins when my mom asked me to help her at the kitchen. You know how my mind easily get slip. I was thinking about this and a little bit of that when suddenly it just pop into my mind. At that time, everything seems ridiculously possible. Now, it just seem ridiculous.

Actually, I was thinking to err. . . this is awkward. Okay, I want to make a hockey festival. See, I'm such a dreamer. I want to do this and that but then nothing happen. It always like that all the time. If only I was given such power. But, it's different this time. I can feel it in my veins.

It has been a week since the kitchen's incident happened. The progress? My proposal is two-third done. I had make a few quick survey for the venue. Everything seems to run smoothly except for the fact that I have not yet consult it with Encik Amir, INTEC's sport officer. I'm scare - to death.

What if I don't get the approval? Ahh, mental breakdown. And to make the matter worst, I just found out that there's no hockey club at INTEC. So, who am I representing? Myself. Oh, really convincing.

You know, where there's a will, there's a way.

If I don't get the approval from INTEC administration, I'll just ask my friend to get the approval from her college then. It doesn't matter which college held it, as long as the event can be realize. For me, that's what matter the most.

Please please please be true. You know it's really hard to play hockey this day. Even the turf is so difficult to find. When that day come, and all heart are beating hard . . . . shhh no more poetry.

Eye Sore

After a while, yeah let’s write to our hearts content.

So, there’s this thing I can’t get away with. I don’t know how to stop it, but it surely gives me an eye sore just to look at it. To be frank, aren’t they ashamed? I’m not going to point generally this time instead I’m going to be precise. Not when it involves with matter this serious, at least for me it is.

Ready??

She’s a friend. A fellow kisasian friend. I’m not that close to her, but I know her well enough. Hmm. So, lately I’m not kind of fond of her doing. It’s a good thing to have a crush. I have one. But that doesn’t permit me to cross over the line. Just, know your boundary. You can though, but keep it to yourself. Is it love that you have to show? No, it is not. It’s lust.

I’m sorry it hurts. I know it harsh. But, what do you expect?

Stop posting picture of you both. It’s an eye sore.

Stop commenting those kinds of picture and saying that it’s sweet. It’s an eye sore.

Stop liking it. It’s an eye sore.

Everything about it is an eye sore.

Just stop!

I don’t know why. My heart, it aches so much. Your acts aren’t always affect you alone. Mind people that watching. Preserve their rights. Mind people that listening. They too have their own rights. Then, what rights that you own? Repent, then you’ll have one.

Khaulah Alazwar

Khaulah Alazwar bt Muaz Yaid

3 November 2013

As you set your eyes open,

As you took your very first breath,

Know that you are precious.

You are.

Those cries and whines,

Let it be.

May those cries crack the world,

With the words of an unspoken truth.

Shine the world with your smile,

Glitter it with love,

For it's beautiful - the world is,

Just like how He had beautified you.

When things aren't going your way,

Remember then,

It's actually going through His way,

Do not dishearten,

Surely with difficulty is ease.

Live healthily,

Strong and sturdy.

Nabi Cinta Hati

Alhamdulillah.

Sekian kalinya, aku dipertemukan lagi olehnya seorang abdi begitu hampir darjatnya dengan kekasih cinta hatiku.

Bersua muka dengannya, berdiri di bawah satu bumbung dengannya, melihat senyumnya. Aku rindu kekasih tidak pernah bersuaku.

Habib Ali Zaenal Abidin.

Sungguh aku bersyukur diizinkan yang kuasa menjadi insan terpilih mendiami taman syurga ini. Menjadi sebahagian jemaah yang dinaungi para malaikat dan didoakan kesejahteraannya oleh sekalian makhluk.

Di sini.

Di Masjid As-Syakirin.

Di tempat orang-orang yang bersyukur ini.

Aku tahu aku selamat di bawah naungan rahmatnya. Walau bumi Kuala Lumpur ini kadang hidup subur malamnya dengan cela dan noda. Tapi, hanya ketenangan yang meresapi tatkala ini.

Bergema qasidah sekalian perindu memuji memuja yang Esa dan kekasihnya.

Dikelilingi manusia yang terdampar dek gersang kerinduan yang menyaluti. Aku rasa sungguh kerdil. Menjadi saksi tingginya cinta mereka kepada cinta hatiku. Seluruh jiwaku dilanda cemburu.

Ini muhasabah bagiku.

Menilai naik turunnya cinta yang sering ku lafaz saja. Menggaris tuju baru yang perlu ku buru. Menjadi sehebat semulia agar layak aku menjadi pendampingmu, cinta.

Menuju itu, banyak perlu ku tempuh.

Ke arah itu, tetap aku walau diduga kaca permata.

***

‘Mana jalan nak pergi masjid nih?? Kenapa dari tadi tak nampak-nampak pon kubah dia??’

‘Eh, ikut orang tu jom. Nampak macam beriman je. Pakai jubah serban semua.’

‘Jom kita ikut jalan orang-orang yang beriman. Hehehe.’

***

‘Eh, dah pukul berapa ni kenapa awal sangat makcik-makcik ni bangun qiam’

‘Baru pukul 3.50’

‘Eh, kenapa sejuk sangat dekat dewan nih.’

‘Dahlah. Jom bangun jom. Tak tahan sejuk sangat. Bangun. Cepat cepat cepat.’

***

Salam merdeka,

31082013 

DASS : Depression Anxiety Stress Scale

Kelas Psychology.

Miss Ainnur  : Okay kelas. Hari ni saya nak buat test.

Girls             : What!! But you didn’t tell us. It’s not fair! We didn’t study a thing.

Boys            : Tomorrow miss, tomorrow. Esok ada kelas psychology. *winkwink

Miss Ainnur  : Tapi saya nak buat test hari ni jugak!

Class            : *giving excuses*

Miss Ainnur  : Okay. Cepat cari pair! You’ll be doing this test by pair.

Me    : Ecah, camna ni cah. Kita tak bawak note psychology satu pun.

Ecah  : Kita pun sama.

Gulp. We’re dead.

Miss Ainnur  : *distributing the test sheet

Class            : *grinning. Ohhhhh!!!!

It happened that we actually had to answer a questionnaire about the DAS score. We’d been tricked! Some of us might really end up getting a heart attack here. Hmmmpph.

Today lesson was very interesting. Indeed, so full of drama and speculation just like usual.

We are assigned to answer the questionnaire and after that we had to calculate the marks and identify which group we‘re classified in.

Few of the question:

1. I always feel that I am worthless

2. I don’t think I have hope to live anymore

3. I cannot tolerate with things that interrupt me when I’m doing things

4. I was easily touchy

. . .

41.

When I did it with Aisyah, we can’t help but to say ‘merepeknya’, ‘apa punya soalan ni’, ‘ishh, mengarut betul’. Because from my point of view, most of the questions are so negative that we find it rather ridiculous. And it ended up that our DASS score are normal.

But, when Miss Ainnur asked five pairs to present their DASS results in front, I just can’t say how startled I was.

1st Group : Nazura & Elani

Here, we’d been arguing about how one can think positively when they’ve got a problem? So, how? Is it true that one of the ways to reduce stress is to think positively?

For me, when I feel so stressed up, I do something that I had to use all my attentions and energy. So, it can distract me from thinking about that so-stressful-problem. Example, playing hockey. That really reduces my stress. Just hit the ball as hard as you can, and there go your problems up in the sky. Its fun, it’s tiring, and its stress reducing. Heheh

2nd Group : Thalhah & Arief

They’re debaters. I was so jealous how they can fluently and confidently speak in front. Okay, not the point.

They both have a severe depression, anxiety and stress problem. I think it’s quite normal for a debater since they need that sense when they’re debating. Just imagine people like me debating, I don’t like to debate things actually. So, I will like ‘yelah2 kau betul. Ameklah nak sangat’. Sarcasm is the best! Ngeheheh.

Apart from that, they both have a member of family that was sick (under surgery).

Thalhah : Arief, kenapa kau stress?

Arief     : Sebab kena buat test ni lah!

3rd Group : Sadiid & Afiq

These two boys were the worst. Their stress level was ‘extremely severe’. I don’t know why. But, I think most boys are under a lot of stress. Or, that’s what they think so. Ye ye jela depa ni. Bukannya apa sangat pun. Huhhh.

Tapi, terharu sangat diorang semua willing share pengalaman and problem diorang semua. Ada yang pernah kena bully sampai trauma, ada yang menjadi pembulinya and ada yang dari family bermasalah. Nampak diorang memang betul-betul dah anggap kitorang ni macam family. Yelah, takkan nak suka suki je cerita pasal kisah2 hitam hidup kita dekat strangers kan.

Waktu diorang cerita, mostly semua mata berkaca-kaca. Terharuuu. Sedihnya. Even yang budak2 lelakinya

pun layan feeling sekali. Memang huaaaa. Kenapa selama ni tak bersyukur betul aku. Diorang lagi banyak kena duga dari kau. Sedarlah!!

Aku Sunni !

Aku ingat lagi dulu, walaupun masih mentah dan hingusan, aku selalu mempertikaikan banyak perkara. Antaranya ketika ulama’ sepakat mengeluarkan fatwa bahawa Syiah itu masih lagi Islam.

Marah. Tak faham. Tak dapat terima hakikat. Itu apa yang aku rasa.

Islam kau mungkin hanya pada nama. Tapi hakikatnya, layak kau seperti Yahudi. Aku tahu. Engkau masih bertunjangkan Allah. Dan seorang muslim itu hanya dikira murtad apabila dia mensyirikkan Allah. Tapi kau, hanyalah Islam tanpa Iman.

Bodoh. Jahil. Kufur. Itulah engkau.

Engkau terlalu asyik memuja manusia sehingga sanggup bertuhankan nafsu. Jelaskan. Syiah itu hanyalah mazhab yang dicipta oleh manusia. Manusia yang bersalut nafsu. Kenapa pula dibuang ajaran yang dibawa oleh manusia yang maksum?

Cintakah kau kepada nabi Muhammad? Kenapa begitu benci insan yang dicinta baginda? Kenapa menolak hadith yang diungkap baginda?

Aku pernah melihat sebuah video. Mereka menghina para sahabat.

Air mata yang mengalir takkan mampu gambarkan betapa bencinya aku kepada mereka. Aku tak pernah melihat para sahabat. Tidak pernah dipertemukan. Tapi sungguh aku cinta setiap jiwa yang mengaku cinta kepada Muhammad!

Tanpa mereka dimana Muhammad? Insan yang rela menjadikan tubuh mereka perisai bernyawa. Insan yang sentiasa di sisi baginda tika Musyrikin mengecam hebat. Sedarlah! Sedarlah! Sedarlah!

Suara halusku takkan mampu memecah kesedaranmu.

Kerana bagi kau kita terlalu berbeza. Hinakah aku yang Sunni ini? Kelar leherku dan lihat berbezakah warna darah kita. Seribu Sunni pun jika dihadapkan kepada mereka seorang Syiah, belum tentu mereka mampu menumpahkan darahnya. Tapi kau?

Aku sedih. Kehilangan saudara.

Aku sedih. Kematian saudara.

Aku jijk untuk mengaku kita bersaudara. Tapi itu hakikat yang perlu aku telan. Kerana kita bertuhankan tuhan yang sama. Berkiblatkan kiblat yang sama. Membawa satu nama – Islam.

The Veil

Today was really tiring. We’d travel from Shah Alam to Putrajaya back to Bangi then finally to Serdang. And that’s all just to pay a visit to our once-a-year-meet relatives. Syawal really is something. *phew

So, the incident happens when we’re at a food stall . . .

Ibu : Ika, tinggal ni je *tunjuk muka* ( pakai purdah )

Me : Nanti nantilah bu.

Ibu : Cerita malam tadi ( Ayat – ayat Cinta ) tuh, perempuan nya pakai purdah . . .

*I just have the courage to wear shawl recently.

I was quite shocked when she asked me about it. It’s not like I’d never been thinking about wearing it but, there are so many reasons that hold me from doing so. I even bought one veil myself when I was at the Baitul Qurro’.

Why bother to buy if you don’t have the intention to wear??

I once questioned myself. Maybe I'm not brave enough. Or maybe I'm not ready to let things go. What will people judge me? How if my friends feel uncomfortable around me? The entire ‘if’ questions, it makes me uncertain.

But.

What you wear doesn't differ you from others. We're all the same in His eyes. I well known of myself. I fear that if I meant to wear veil, I only wear it to impress others. To gain attentions. I'm just an ordinary human. So weak, so full of lust. 

So, this is not the time . . . yet. I'm not ready.

If I've been destine to wear it, all praise to Him.

Then, you shall have a daughter that you long her to wear a veil - mother.

Raya 1434 H

This is my first time celebrating raya with 10 family members. Why so?? Because my sister had married, so do count her husband and apparently she is pregnant. Hmm. *mixed feeling of excitement and jealousy*

Okay, I hereby want to wish to everyone that knows me a blessful ‘Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri’. Please forgive me for not being a good daughter, sister, friend and companion. If I had accidentally hurt you with my words or my silence or both, I’m really sorry.

Please halal all the,

1. Moneys that I owe.

2. Knowledge you had taught.

3. Foods and drinks.

4. Your things I used without permission.

Have a blast!