Hidup 2 Masjid

Kalau Ramadhan lepas paling azab (exam alevel), maka Ramadhan kali ni paling nikmat. Memang selalu setiap kali nak masuk bulan Ramadhan rasa takut tu akan ada. Takut kalau aku dengan sedia bodohnya membiar dia pergi macam tu je. Jadi kita ni jadi manusia bodoh tu letak tepi sikit hidup pon belum tentu lama.

Jujur cakap sepanjang mula puasa, tak boleh tengok kurma. Pening bangun tidur bangun tidur nak fikir pasal kurma ni. Semata untuk program Ihya’ Ramadhan dekat MMU nati. Nak consider cancel je pon ada. Tapi lepas dengar satu tazkirah sebelum terawih dekat surau, rasa macam bodohnya aku berkira-kira sangat dalam bulan Ramadhan ni. Tulah sekarang ni asal terawih je nangis, asal terawih je nangis. Baru sedar yang dekat Ramadhan je ada terawih.

Ramadhan tahun ni alhamdulillah aku berkesempatan berihya’ Ramadhan di dua buah masjid untuk dua buah program – Masjid Sungai Ramal Luar, Kajang & Masjid Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz Shah, Shah Alam.

Nervous dia nak pergi IHRAM masyallah tuhan jelah yang tahu. Memang selalu pon nervous nak turun program pepias ni. Tiba-tiba dalam bas terdengar ada budak-budak bersembang,

‘Kau tahu dalam 10 malam ni ada satu malam yang takda siapa pon yang tahu bila. Apa?’

‘Oh tu. Apa ye orang panggil. Aku tak ingat lah. Nifsu Sya’ban eh?’

‘Dah terang-terang nifsu SYA’BAN, apa ke benda sesat dekat Ramadhan pulak.’

Aduhh tergelaklah jugak mendengarnya. Ni lah antara sebab suka naik public transport bila pergi program, macam-macam benda kita boleh belajar and jumpa. *Selingan*

IHRAM ialah singkatan bagi program Ihya’ Ramadhan yang dianjurkan oleh PEPIAS. Antara acara utama dia ialah sekampit beras, gotong-royong, bubur lambuk, melawat ke rumah anak yatim, hospital, rumah orang tua, street dakwah, social experiment, car wash amal dan keluarga angkat. Sebelum pergi program memang asik dengar cerita daripada nabil jelah. Oleh sebab tu, gigil dia jadi dua kali ganda hebat. Macam tak cukup extrovert je nak interact dengan society aku ni.

Cawangan Shah Alam

Ditakdirkan waktu agihan group aku group no 8 dan nabil group no 5. Punya meraung berkaca-kaca dah mata budak tu group dia kena buat gotong-royong je haha. Matang sangat. Disebabkan group 8 bebas pilih aktiviti apa je, jadi berkepitlah kami berdua.

Bilal, ‘Yang buat sesuatu perkara tu jadi best atau tidak ialah kita sendiri.’

Walaupun cuma bergotong-royong sekitar masjid, walaupun tak dapat berkongsi pengalaman dan berjumpa dengan warga tua, anak yatim dan orang sakit, walaupun ada rasa sedikit terkilan datang jauh-jauh tapi tak dapat pon nak buat semua-semua tu. Tapi bagi aku mungkin ini yang sebaiknya. Sambil sapu daun kering sekitar masjid, aku teringat dekat sorang kawan yang dulu ibu dia tukang sapu sampah dekat sekolah aku. Aku rasa betapa menguji kesabarannya walau nak menyapu daun kering je.

‘Kenapa ada daun, ishh pokok-pokok ni lah kan.’

Nabil yang acah-acah tough tu pun tiba-tiba menangis beg dia basah kena air aircond. Bukan kitorang tak rela kena gotong-royong sekitar masjid, tapi bila kau datang ke satu program dengan niat ingin menyumbang sebanyak-banyaknya kepada yang perlu tapi tidak diberi kesempatan tersebut, mestilah rasa kecewa tu ada. Lagi kecewa bila kita sendiri tak tahu kesempatan tu akan datang lagi ke tidak.

‘Nabil, okay dah?’

‘Okay je. Bila kita fikir balik buat apa buat kalau tak ikhlas. Sia-sia je. So baik kita ikhlaskan hati. Tadi tazkirah subuh ustaz cerita pasal 7 tingkat langit sebelum amal kita diterima. Langit yang ketujuh ialah ikhlas.’

‘Oh yeke. Moh le kita buat semua ni dengan ikhlas. Penat dah sampai 6 langit tetiba kena campak balik. Sia-sia sangat tu buat penat je. Tapi tak puas hati lah tengok budak-budak tu duduk goyang kaki je. Bukan nak tolong, amik gambar je. Uissshhh mengumpat bulan-bulan puasa. Astaghfirullahalazeem.’

‘Hah nak tahu tak kalau mengumpat orang langit pertama lagi dah tak lepas.’

‘Hehe tak sempat nak naik dah kena campak balik dah. Teruk sangat tu perangai.’

Bak kata Bilal, setiap benda tu ada hikmah dia. Kita sendiri yang kena cari dan rasa. Buatlah amal besar mana pun tapi kalau dia tak mengubah diri kita kearah yang lebih baik pun tak guna jugak.

Lepas zohor aku dan beberapa sahabat yang lain berangkat untuk ke program keluarga angkat. Bagi aku waktu ni adalah waktu yang sangat bernilai. Segala emosi, pengalaman, kejanggalan, dan gelak tawa kami bersama keluarga angkat ini adalah sebuah memori yang tak pernah aku terbayang akan peroleh. Bukan senang untuk kita berlapang dada dengan orang asing, membuka segala pekung di dada dan berkongsi keperitan hidup. Mungkin kesusahan mampu mengajar manusia erti kemanusiaan. Kami dilayan seperti tetamu sedangkan kami yang seharusnya menabur khidmat kepada keluarga tersebut.

Aku tak pernah merasa susah. Bila aku berada di ruang tamu rumah keluarga tu, dalam kepala aku berkira-kira besar lagi bilik tidur aku kalau nak dibandingkan dengan ruang tamu rumah tersebut. Keluarga tersebut mempunyai lima isi keluarga, dengan ibu yang berpekerjaan sebagai tukang sapu sampah di sekolah anak lelaki kecilnya. Hakikat ni membuah hormat aku lebih lagi kepada keluarga ini. Anak-anak yang hidup dalam serba kurang, tak kurang besar citanya.

‘Akak muka akak sebijik macam kawan saya. Suara pun sama.’

‘Hmm kalau macam tu mesti dia pon comel macam akak jugak kan haha. Awak Arissa, nati dah besar awak nak jadi apa?’

‘Saya nak jadi cikgu.’

‘Bagusnya. Belajar rajin-rajin tau. Jadi cikgu ni boleh tolong banyak orang.’

Banyak yang merasa terpukul itu aku. Tentang syukur dan sabar. Tentang harapan dan cita. Tentang tuhan dan rezeki. Tentang keluarga dan bahagia.

Habis je solat Maghrib berjemaah, kami mula mengundur diri. Banyak yang terbuku dalam hati. Banyak yang ingin aku pesan, banyak yang ingin aku luah tapi dengan mulut terkunci sepi aku berlalu pergi. Macam tertinggal separuh hati dengan keluarga tu. Tiga kali aku berpaling sebab berat sangat nak pergi macam tu je. Macam ada urusan yang belum habis, hati aku tak tenang.

Kadang kesusahan hidup juga mampu buat kita hilang pengharapan pada tuhan. Buat kita jauh dan akhirnya hilang jejak. Tidaklah aku merasa kedatangan kami sebagai penunjuk jalan. Cuma aku berharap walau jalannya masih hilang tak nampak, tapi ditumbuhkannya tuhan tunas harapan didalam hati-hati. Walau sebesar zarah cuma.

Balik je dari program, terus mengikhlaskan hati menghadap 'kurma'.

Pagi ke kelas, petang di booth, malam menyebar kurma. Seminggu akhir sebelum raya ni rasanya malam aku memang hidup. Mungkin sebab tak tidur malam gamaknya. Habis distribute kurma dari bilik ke bilik, melayan pulak sesi ceramah tazkirah adik-adik 19 tahun ni. Pukul 3 habis, pukul 5 sahur. Bak kata nabil, 'biasalah mula-mula ni semua tengah semangat lagi.' Yang aku risau kalau-kalau ada yang terpeleot tengah jalan. Jadi kita sedang-sedang.

Nak korban masa ni susah. Nak mencapai ikhlas ni pon sama susah. Tapi hanya sebab kita tak nampak yang senang tu tak beerti dia tak ada. Setiap kali aku buat sesuatu, aku pelan bagitahu hati, 'setiap kurma ni pahala, setiap orang yang akan makan ni pahala, setiap masa aku korban pahala, setiap kata-kata baik itu pahala, setiap hati yang akan teringat Allah pahala, semua benda dapat pahala aku pon kaya pahala!.'

Memang mula-mula kita akan buat sesuatu kerana mengejar pahala. Tak salah benda tu. Para sahabat nabi pon berlumba-lumba beribadah kerana hendakkan balasan nikmat syurga. Jadi begitulah aku kira mendidik hati, dengan menyuakan benda-benda yang indah dan baik. Kadang rasa penat pon tak, lagikan nak mengeluh.

'Assalamualaikum saya dari Institusi Usrah. Sempena bulan Ramadhan kami ada distribute kurma kepada staff dan student. Untuk buka puasa ataupun sahur.' *hulur kurma*

'Oh berapa ni? Kena bayar ke?'

'Eh tak memang kami nak bagi sempena bulan Ramadhan. Kan kita dituntut untuk memberi atau pun sedeqah pada bulan Ramadhan ni jadi kami pun ambil kesempatan ni lah untuk distribute kurma kepada staff dan student mana yang kami mampu.'

*bukak dompet* 'Nah kalau macam tu saya pon nak jugak lah sedeqah dekat awak. Takkan awak sorang je dapat pahala saya pon nak sedeqah jugak.'

Berbahagialah satu jiwa.

Terharu dia masyallah. Bukan sebab seronok dapat duit, duit tu aku includekan sekali dalam cost beli kurma biar berganda-ganda saham sedara tu. Tapi sebab aku belajar erti yang semakin engkau memberi, engkau takkan rugi. Dan macam mana semua orang tahu tangan yang diatas itu lebih baik, jadi semua orang pon berlumba nak memberi. Teringat yang masa zaman dulu, susah nak cari orang yang layak digelar sebagai asnaf. Sebab orang-orang kaya semua memberi harta mereka untuk menolong orang yang miskin. Teringat juga realiti sekarang yang mana semua orang menyembunyikan harta sebab tak mahu menjadi miskin.

'Assalamualaikum akak, saya dari Institusi Usrah. Kami ada distribute kurma sempena Ramadhan ni bolehlah buat untuk sahur ataupun buka nanti.'

'Eh akak dah dapat dah. Semalam kan awak yang ketuk bilik akak ramai-ramai tu cakap dari Usrah kan?'

'Oh dah eh. Tak apa amiklah lagi kami ada banyak kurma ni memang nak habiskan pon.'

'Akak sukalah awak.'

'Hah? Akak kenal saya ke? Kita pernah jumpa ke?'

'Eh tak adalah. Semalam tu masa awak dengan kawan-kawan awak datang bilik tu macam sempoi je. Akak sukalah cara korang. Pastu korang ni huha-huha jugak eh rupanya. Akak dari MMU Melaka. Dulu akak ada jugak housemate budak IU, tapi tak adalah macam korang ni. Akak Ikram.'

*tarik kerusi duduk* 'Oh akak dari Melaka. Ikram hmm. Akak saya nak tanya ni jom sembang-sembang kejap hehe. Kita open je tau. Kalau dekat Melaka kan macam mana eh culture dia? Saya dengar IU ni dekat Melaka kuat jugak....'

Alkisah bermulalah sembang kami dari hanya niat mengedar sebungkus kurma. Seronok macam mana kami dari 'kumpulan' yang lain ni sangat terbuka dan berlapang dada membincangkan isu jemaah yang ada. 

'Akak khamis ni kitorang ada buat iktikaf dekat masjid negeri. Kalau free jomlah join.'

'Insya Allah. Next weekend pon ada Ikram putrajaya buat program.'

'Okay, apa-apa roger lah. Kot saya boleh join.'

Raikanlah kebaikan walau dari mana pon 'brand' dia. 

Sampai hari Khamis, Iktikaf Hopping lah kita ke Masjid Sultan Salahudin Abdul Aziz Shah. Benda yang akan first muncul bila cakap pasal masjid ni mestilah INTEC dan KISAS. Rindu sangat sampai habis basah karpet masjid. Suara Imam selawat lepas habis solat terawih tu pulak punyalah mendayu-dayu merdu dia, menanggung betul nak menahan dari menanggis.

Waktu tu lah muncul Ustazah Hilmiyah!

Nampak Ustazah Hilmiyah tu macam nampak seluruh isi kisas. Tak percaya bila sedar yang ustazah lagi kecik dari aku. Makin susut. Makin dimakan usia. Rasa macam nampak ibu, hati aku waktu terus jadi tenang. Hilang dah semua rindu. Ada kawan pernah seloroh, 'Bulan puasa ni ko nak apa-apa mintak je. Allah bagi cash punya percayalah. Tak ada filter-filter.'

**

Minggu lepas akak naqibah tanya, 'Syafiqah refleksi sikit Ramadhan kamu tahun ni.'

Mungkin bukan yang terbaik. Tapi diizinkan semua ini, sudah cukup baik.

:')

My Condolences

I hardly feel like writing anymore.

Whenever I write, it’s projection of what’s was in the mind. And right now, everything up there are so twisted I don’t know I can write something utterly sane. It’s insane. Not losing your mind in this crumbling and dreadful world is just impossible. No matter how hard you’re trying to keep up, you will never can. It’s either losing them or losing yourself. And, I’m starting to feel it – me losing control.

Do I wish to write about something happy, about my insignificant life events, about my feelings, about the unimportant people I care less when there’s something most outrageous and inhumane are currently happening? Where do I divert all this feeling that overwhelmed me the past few weeks? Crying over news that feels so surreal. Is it really happening? Right now? Right this instant?

Hypothetically living when I know there’s others dying, sobbing and cursing? Can you do that?

“Don’t think too much. Don’t question on things that don’t matter. Just take everything as it is, as God given, and you’ll do just fine. That’s why they say, ignorant is a bliss. If you know nothing, you’ll worry on nothing.”

Of Dante and Malthus?

I never thought my decision to read Inferno a second time will left me hanging with so much bizarre thoughts and preconceptions on mind. Anyone who used with Dan Brown and his writing will know how heavy his works are. Being filled with facts from page to page, sometimes it’s hard to grasp everything in one go. And it’s not weird for me to only skimming through the pages as he tried to precisely describe a painting, a building or a sculpture even. Maybe the fact that I’d never really seen the actual thing made it less meaningful to me and the stories behind them that had never conjure to me until just now had fail to make me understand the emotion that I should feel accordingly. But, it was really amazing how he was able to put a fictional Robert Langdon into life. Every time Langdon’s deciphering a symbol, it sent me chills as if I was reading through the Sherlock Holmes series.

I know now the name of many famous artists like Botticelli, Dante, Vasari for instance and their works. Though I really shouldn’t just rely on a fictional novel alone to really understand a field out of my expertise but it was a really good book to start first with.

The masterpiece before him—La Mappa dell’Inferno—had been painted by one of the true giants of the Italian Renaissance, Sandro Botticelli. An elaborate blueprint of the underworld, The Map of Hell was one of the most frightening visions of the afterlife ever created. Dark, grim, and terrifying, the painting stopped people in their tracks even today. Unlike his vibrant and colorful Primavera or Birth of Venus, Botticelli had crafted his Map of Hell with a depressing palate of reds, sepias, and browns.

Exalted as one of the preeminent works of world literature, the Inferno was the first of three books that made up Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy—a 14,233-line epic poem describing Dante’s brutal descent into the underworld, journey through purgatory, and eventual arrival in paradise. Of the Comedy’s three sections— Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso—Inferno was by far the most widely read and memorable. Composed by Dante Alighieri in the early 1300s, Inferno had quite literally redefined medieval perceptions of damnation. Never before had the concept of hell captivated the masses in such an entertaining way. Overnight, Dante’s work solidified the abstract concept of hell into a clear and terrifying vision—visceral, palpable, and unforgettable. Not surprisingly, following the poem’s release, the Catholic Church enjoyed an enormous uptick in attendance from terrified sinners looking to avoid Dante’s updated version of the underworld.

Depicted here by Botticelli, Dante’s horrific vision of hell was constructed as a subterranean funnel of suffering—a wretched underground landscape of fire, brimstone, sewage, monsters, and Satan himself waiting at its core. The pit was constructed in nine distinct levels, the Nine Rings of Hell, into which sinners were cast in accordance with the depth of their sin. Near the top, the lustful or “carnal malefactors” were blown about by an eternal windstorm, a symbol of their inability to control their desire. Beneath them the gluttons were forced to lie face down in a vile slush of sewage, their mouths filled with the product of their excess. Deeper still, the heretics were trapped in flaming coffins, damned to eternal fire. And so it went … getting worse and worse the deeper one descended.

I maybe have the least interest with both Dante’s Inferno and Botticelli’s La Mappa dell’inferno. But, I can’t help feeling a little pumped up reading a familiar name like Malthus when included in the story. Malthus was famous for coming up with the ‘Malthus Theory of Population’ that stated how the rapid population growth will later result in resources constraints. (I was contemplating whether I should or should not elaborate further, maybe not). Interestingly, it’s not just a plain economics theory like we used to learn in class. Instead, Dan Brown twistedly included the role of World Health Organization (WHO) as one of the main causes of population growth. These three different perspectives of Art History, Social Sciences and Pure Science though fictional was thoroughly plotted and had successfully convince me about its possibility of turning into reality – theoretically.

Thomas Robert Malthus

It begins when a Dante fanatic (as in he believes about the Dante’s Divine Comedy) who’s happened to be a scientist was disturbed by the extremely high percentage of the population growth from the previous years. Before, it took the earth’s population thousands of years —from the early dawn of man all the way to the early 1800s—to reach one billion people. Then, astoundingly, it took only about a hundred years to double the population to two billion in the 1920s. After that, it took a mere fifty years for the population to double again to four billion in the 1970s. As you can imagine, we’re well on track to reach eight billion very soon. Just today, the human race added another quarter-million people to planet Earth.

 As a scientist (biochemist) himself, he knows the result of overpopulation will be disastrous to the society and to the world itself. World Health Organization also was known to again increased its forecasts, predicting there will be some nine billion people on earth before the midpoint of this century. Animal species are going to extinct at a precipitously accelerated rate. The demand for dwindling natural resources will be skyrocketing. Clean water is harder and harder to come by. By any biological gauge, the human species has exceeded their sustainable numbers. However, though well-known with the implications, the World Health Organization—is investing in things like curing diabetes, filling blood banks, battling cancer. Not only that overpopulation will become a health issues, it might also cost us our humanity. Under the stress of overpopulation, those who have never considered stealing will become thieves to feed their families. Those who have never considered killing will kill to provide for their young. All of Dante’s deadly sins—greed, gluttony, treachery, murder, and the rest—will begin percolating … rising up to the surface of humanity, amplified by our evaporating comforts.

He suggested that all doctors should stop practicing medicine because extending the human life span was only exacerbating the population problem. The biggest backlash he got, however, came when he declared that his advances in genetic engineering would be far more helpful to mankind if they were used not to cure disease, but rather to create it. A study made in the U.S. showed that some sixty percent of health care costs go to support patients during the last six months of their lives. The longer we live, the more our resources go to supporting the elderly and ailing. Ironically, while often our brains say, ‘This is insane,’ our hearts wouldn’t allow it. It’s the common conflict between Apollo and Dionysus—a famous dilemma in mythology – the age-old battle between mind and heart, which seldom want the same thing. The mythological reference, was now being used to describe the alcoholic who stares at a glass of alcohol, his brain knowing it will harm him, but his heart craving the comfort it will provide.

As I was trying to unbiasedly processed those possibilities, it was natural for me to repetitively reminding myself as the novel being only a fiction. The novel might be a fiction, but I believe the main issue it trying to convey was not. Picture a colony of surface algae living in a tiny pond in the forest, enjoying the pond’s perfect balance of nutrients. Unchecked, they reproduce so wildly that they quickly cover the pond’s entire surface, blotting out the sun and thereby preventing the growth of the nutrients in the pond. Having sapped everything possible from their environment, the algae quickly die and disappear without a trace. Though overpopulation is inevitable, I’m not saying it is correct that a plague that kills half the world’s people is the answer to it. Nor am I saying we should stop curing the sick and the elderly. But, to an extent I believe with the possibilities that will arise as the results of the overpopulation. We can’t deny that many global conflict today was mainly revolving around resources be it a piece of land, oil, energy, and water.

When China decide to abolish it’s one-child policy and replace it with the new two-child policy, I thought what they did was humane. But, realizing the bigger impact it might cause I can’t help but to feel a little worried. Some economist critics Malthus Theory of Population by saying that though population increases abruptly, the advancement in technologies that we had nowadays are more than able to support and produce foods and resources twice or thrice time more than the last century in order to cater our needs. But, did they take into account the defect those technologies might cause to the nature? On what did we had to pay in return? I’m not trying to be any more pessimistic that I already are, but I prefer to live in the light of truth even it is painfully hard to accept.

Our human mind has a primitive ego defense mechanism that negates all realities that produce too much stress for the brain to handle and it’s called denial. Denial is a critical part of the human coping mechanism. Without it, we would all wake up terrified every morning about all the ways we could die. Instead, our minds block out our existential fears by focusing on stresses we can handle—like getting to work on time or paying our taxes. If we have wider, existential fears, we jettison them very quickly, and only refocusing on simple tasks and daily trivialities. A recent Web-tracking study of students at some Ivy League universities which revealed that even highly intellectual users displayed an instinctual tendency toward denial. According to the study, the vast majority of university students, after clicking on a depressing news article about arctic ice melt or species extinction, would quickly exit that page in favor of something trivial that purged their minds of fear; favorite choices included sports highlights, funny cat videos, and celebrity gossip.

Maybe we can do nothing of the world being overpopulated. But, we can do something to suffice the resources we have today and preserve them for the future generation. At least, we are being granted with that much of power and it can make a big change if only we realised them.

Pencuri

‘Shaline, percaya tak sebenarnya kita yang curi duit kelas tu.’

‘Tak.’

‘Kalau andai kata memang kita curi and kita mengaku percaya tak?'

'Tak. Sebab Ika bukannya ada dekat kelas pon waktu rehat. Ika bertugas (pengawas).’

‘Tapi boleh je jadi kan. Korang pon ada ke bukti yang betul Fulanah tu yang curi duit tu? Kan dia dah kata dia tak curi kenapa korang taknak percaya?’

‘Ada orang nampak dia duduk dekat kelas waktu rehat lepastu dia pergi naik asrama. Lagipon kita yakin Ika takkan buat camtu lah.’

‘Kenapa?'

‘Sebab kalau dalam baik, orang akan boleh nampak melalui luaran dia.’

**

Aku akan ingat sampai mati mungkin peristiwa atas ni. Masa dekat tingkatan dua, ada sorang pelajar baru masuk kelas kitorang waktu pertengahan tahun. Aku ingat lagi betapa terkejutnya aku bila balik daripada bertugas lepas rehat ternampak sorang budak perempuan dengan tudung labuhnya, kulit putih-putih, rendah nak kurang sama dengan aku, beratur dekat barisan kelas aku. Beratur dekat belakang aku. First impression aku mestilah suka. Lepas ni ada geng dah sebab sama-sama pakai tudung labuh. Lagilah dia rupanya bekas budak sekolah agama. Tapi semua orang tak suka dia. Semua orang rasa dia pelik. Sampailah kejadian dekat atas tu jadi dan semua orang tuduh dia yang salah.

Waktu benda tu jadi, aku rasa kecik hati sikit dengan kawan-kawan yang lain. ‘Pakai je tudung labuh tapi mencuri.’ ‘Luar je baik, dalam macam apa entah.’ Walaupun tak dituju dekat aku tapi aku yang duduk tepi tu je pon rasa macam kena panah petir rasa. Kenapa salahkan tudung, tudung tak bersalah. Hadui. Lepas habis kelas, aku tanya Shaline segala yang aku rasa.

Bila ada orang yang aku tahu daripada background agama, susah untuk aku terima yang diorang pon boleh buat salah jugak. Bagi aku, 'kau fahamkan dah kenapa kau buat jugak?' Peliklah senang cakap pelik sangat-sangat. Agama tu fungsi dia supaya kau dapat bezakan yang mana betul yang mana salah. Bukan jadi alat untuk membenarkan benda yang salah.

Bila orang cakap ‘luaran’ tu penting. Aku tak faham macam mana orang menilai ‘luaran’ tu? Mula-mula aku fikir luaran tu mestilah daripada cara pemakaian. Kena pakai tudung labuh, baju labuh, pakai stoking tutup aurat. Tapi aku sedar aku salah. Ramai je orang yang menjaga pakaian dia, tapi ada sesetengah yang masyarakat boleh terima dan sesetengah yang lain di layan sangat asing. Kalau macam tu mungkin ‘luaran yang baik’ tu dari segi perangai atau akhlak lah kan. Jadi aku pon bercampurlah dengan akhawat-akhawat yang memang baik akhlaknya pemakaian pon terjaga. Tapi, macam tu pon tak semua selesa dan terima.

Betapa ramai coursemate atau kawan-kawan roommate aku yang tak boleh bercampur dengan budak-budak macam tu. Bagi diorang, diorang rasa dipandang serong sebab tudung diorang pendek sikit tak labuh macam tu dll. Tapi diorang cerita luar dalam semua dekat aku walaupun baru semalam jumpa. Aku ni tak ada rupa budak baik ke?

Bagi aku sebenarnya bukan ‘luaran’ yang orang tengok. Kita lebih selesa menggunakan istilah luaran sebab kita percaya kita boleh perdaya orang lain dengan menggunakan segi luaran kita. Kita percaya takkan ada sesiapa yang boleh tahu keadaan dalaman kita sebenarnya macam mana kecuali diri kita dan tuhan sahaja. Kalau macam tu sebenarnya kita salah. Bila orang lain memandang, mereka memandang dengan hati. Sebab tu selalu kita akan dengar, ‘Aku rasa dia tak suka aku. Aku rasa..’ Dari mana berbuah rasa kalau bukan dari hati. Jadi bila memikat hati, pentingkah ‘luaran’? Atau ‘dalaman’? Mungkin lebih, lebih lagi sekadar dari hanya dalaman dan luaran.

Kadang-kadang aku jadi rimas bila dengar ada orang cuba membangkitkan pasal isu ni. Kita berbalah mana yang lebih penting antara dalaman dan luaran. Cuba berjustifikasi dengan menggunakan analogi-analogi yang tidak masuk akal. Akhirnya, segalanya akan berbalik kepada diri sendiri. Kita bukan macam buah yang kalau kulitnya dah busuk akan busuk selama-lamanya. Kita manusia yang walau macam mana busuk tengik berkulat pon kulitnya tetap boleh jadi baik semula. Yang macam mana hitam pahit pon isinya boleh jadi manis gebu semula. Sebab kita manusia, kita bukan buah. Siapa kita untuk melihat manusia hanya dari kulitnya dan membuang segala nilai yang ada didalamnya?

Semester lepas, dalam kumpulan assignment aku ada sorang budak perempuan yang free hair. Waktu perbincangan kumpulan aku sedar yang mungkin dia ada rasa tak selesa atau malu dengan aku. Bila dalam surau fakulti selalu nampak dia duduk je perhati orang sembahyang. Boleh nampak yang sebenarnya dia risau dengan pandangan serong orang lain. Satu hari, waktu tengah jaga booth kelab ternampak diorang dari jauh. Cepat-cepat kejar dia dengan kawan dia tu nak bagi flyer. Buatlah ayat pancing sikit taknak bagi diorang takut sangat tengok perkataan ‘Usrah’ dalam flyer tu. Lepastu, minggu depannya punya group discussion dia datang pakai tudung. Punya berbunga-bunga kembang setaman dalam hati tu menyengih je sampai habis discussion. Memanglah macam perasannya kalau nak kata yang dia tergerak hati nak berhijab tu sebab aku kebetulan bagi flyer hari tu. Tapi aku percaya, kalau andai kata tak ada orang-orang yang macam ni nak blend in dalam circle of friends dia mungkin sampai bila-bila dia tak akan jumpa kekuatan tu.

Ada sorang kawan pernah cakap, ‘Kak Nani, kita rasa bersalah dengan Aminah (bukan nama sebenar).’

‘Kenapa?’

‘Sebab dia pernah tanya kenapa kita tak pernah tanya dia pasal tak pakai tudung ke pasal Islam ke. Kita tak tahu nak cakap apa. Speechless. Kalaulah kita ada approach dia dulu walau sikit, mungkin kita boleh ubah dia. Tulah tanggungjawab kita kan sebanarnya. Kita rasa macam berdosa sangat.’

Dulu waktu dekat KISAS, akak usrah selalu pesan, ‘Bila kita dah dekat luar nati dan bergaul dengan orang-orang yang kurang faham agama, selalu pandang diorang ni sepertinya ada tiga garis calit di dahi mereka. Calit pertama, ‘Bantulah aku.’ Calit kedua, ‘Bimbinglah aku.’ Dan calit terakhir,‘Kasihanilah aku.’ Macam mana kita rasa kita faham agama pon, tak memberi apa-apa maksud yang sebenarnya kita lebih baik dari orang lain. Yang memberi kefahaman tu Allah, dan yang mampu menariknya juga dia. Kalaulah pon kita berdepan dengan orang-orang macam tu, yang lebih diuji sebenarnya kita.

Jadi, kalau ‘luaran’ seseorang itu begitu penting, luaran yang bagaimanakah yang dikira baik? Kalaupun dihadapkan didepan kita orang-orang yang baik luarannya, adakah mungkin kita akan suka kesemuanya? Adakah kau akan lebih suka pencuri yang kelihatan baik luarannya atau seorang baik yang buruk luarannya?

(I found this meme and remember when a bunch of my usrah mate crashed into my room and quarreled with me and my roommate about our 'wrong' qiblat direction. I know I should side on you, but I know better when to not to. Have some manner please.)

Falling Star

I have so many things to write, but turning them into lines of words and sentences was never easy. I want to talk about a manga titled ‘The Gamer’ that I just recently read and how cool it really was. About ‘Windbreaker’ too! I had also finished reading some books, but I’m not sure whether I should give them any feedback or insight because they were really awesome. I also watched a few ‘Genius’ series on National Geographic and though they were very brief but it could really trigger you to know more about those geniuses and their works. And because recently my father kept watching the ‘Bible’ series and kept on asking me to find the differences in their teaching and in what the Quran had mentioned should be, so I made some researches on that too. I found pretty cool information, but yet I’m far too incompetent to write about any of that.

Honestly, I’m too busy reading and engrossing things I found it a bit hard to spit it out back as time goes. Because believe it or not, it change my way of thinking, it change the perspective on how I used to perceived things and it literally change me. And changes, they required some times to adopt. Do you know the ‘Calm Water Theory’?

Learning business, you’re all about theories. But ironically, theory will only be a theory unless you could apply it. And usually with me, those theories just popped out when I want to explain a condition or in supporting arguments. So, for me that’s a bit cheaty and cool all at the same time. It sure will make you look a lot smarter than you actually are. That’s quite a tip, try to put those theories you learned in class when trying to explain things okay.

Back again with the Calm Water Theory.  The theory is basically trying to explain that in managing people, sometimes changes will be needed. And usually it’s the manager that will conduct and guide the direction of the changes to meet the business goals. So, to change there’s a series of stages that the manager should identify and adopt. The first is the ‘Unfreeze’ stage, next is the ‘Change’ stage and the last is the ‘Freeze’ stage. So, unfreeze is when you identify what are the things that you wanted to change. Then, you try to change them by introducing a new method or by creating a policy or rules and regulations. To make sure the changes are used continuously and to avoid the old method was used again, the manager should regularly supervised the employee and put on a measure to control the change process.

Analogically, that’s what happened. Before, I used to look at things through my perspective alone. I don’t know how it was with other people from different cultures, races, religions and nationalities. Maybe that was what I lacked of; exposures. So, I try to redeem back those weaknesses of mine with reading. Some might say that it’s not the same to actually experiencing things by your own than to just read it off from the experiences of others. Of course it’s not. When I read, it’s not the experience that it brings that matter. It’s the different angles of people perceiving things and the morale that matters.

I always told my friends to write about their experiences studying overseas. But, maybe they just don’t think that they had live there long enough to describe what it really feels like. What was it really feels like? “It feels empty, it feels like you don’t belong there and it’s boring.”, the kind of answer that I get after asking a friend. Was it because it’s different? Was it because everything had changed?

In many cases, the one thing you most needed is change. In fact, you should try to change every single day. Change is not a process where you measure it by the end results. It’s supposed to be a process where you should know yourself and your desired better, whether was it appropriate or was it enough in order to achieve you goals? If it’s not, then you should change. In order to change, there are a lot of things that you must sacrifice. You know yourself what it is, and it’s really not easy. Because of that – the fear of change – we had unable to resolve many global conflicts nowadays. Why can’t they change their policy for a little bit? Why can’t they make a cartel or something? What are they so afraid of?

In Genius, the second episode was about Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla. When Edison had able to build his empire in electricity industry by using the direct current, Tesla came and proposed the more efficient way in supplying electricity by using the alternative current. Edison rejected the idea because it was too risky and dangerous. Tesla ended up finding his own investors to convince people the benefits of alternative current. He wanted to change the direct current to alternative current so that many people will be able to enjoy electricity besides the rich corporates and politicians. What gets me the most was when Tesla decides to let go of his fortune and shred the agreement in order to put his vision to realization. The company and the investors aren’t able to pay Tesla for his accrued license fees anymore and about to go bankrupt, when Tesla let go of his patented royalty in order to make sure the business can still operate and able to proceed with the Niagara Falls project that they had received. Edison later loses the company he had self-built because the board had come to realise that alternative current is better than the direct current and are far more profitable itself.

The fact that Edison should have earlier considered Tesla’s idea might could had change something somewhere today. The world might have a much more meaning into it than just a mere place of profits. It’s sad when that happened and making it much irony when both of the parties are wasted. Change yeah is that what I’m going to say? Maybe, I’m not quite sure myself. For me it’s more about having to counter with people of a different mind than you. People always believe that there’s only one way or another in solving things. If it’s not going to be A, it’s certainly B. That my dear friends are what ‘False Dilemma’ is.  It is to believe that there’s only two ways or two choices that exist. I mean come on, even our MCQ’s have 4 to 5 choices of answers.

So, what did we usually do when we met someone of different opinion than we do? If we’re going to accept theirs than we have to change ours and it certainly is not easy. But, it’s not like they will accept ours if they don’t wanted to change theirs. There’s other way. Find a common point that you both had, and change everything else. For example, you both wanted to supply energy to people. Fused all that brains of yours and find a new way. Though, it is a bit unrealistic for a big industry like electricity. The point is don’t look at what you have different but at what you have the same.

And after all of that, had we learnt our lessons? It’s hard to tell. There’s no specific indicator or law to determine the human behaviours. Even some physicists like Descartes for instance, believe that we human don’t bind by any law because we have ‘free will’. But, do we? Or are we just repeating and imitating the past events as results of causes and effects.

Everything is changing. And it happened so drastically it feels so surreal. The bombing, the war, the killing, it’s really dreading. There’s one time on the days in between of my final exam, I slept on the campus’s mosque. I had so many things on my head but I felt so empty inside. Everything is slipping bit by bit off my hand; it’s started to get really tiring. During the Dawn prayer, a friend came and I was quite shock because she’s a Chinese revert. And she could also fluently memorize the An-naba’. It brings back something that’s lost from before – hope. I kept on being forgotten on how a soul could even move mountain and that even with just a soul it would make such big differences. And I’m thanking God for sending me this one beautiful soul.

It is not always bleak the world is. You just have to choose wisely. On where to look..

“Before the land begin to fade. I was hoping that you showed me the way. To never ever be afraid. To change..” – Falling Star, Jet

2 Marhalah

Tak lupa 3 tahun lepas bila Kiera mula masuk Darul Quran. Segala benda dia mengadu, tak ada kawan, tak ada orang nak balas senyum (yang rajin sangat senyum ni dah kenapa?), susah nak jaga hati, tak rasa biah macam dekat kisas, segala segala.

Pernah sekali teman dia pergi Jalan TAR rasa macam nak pasang gari je kot hilang tengah jalan. Bila ada kawan yang menghafaz ni, dia buat kita risau, ‘budak ni takpe ke pergi sini, takpe ke buat benda tu. Ramai seksi-seksi ni dia takpe ke? Banyak gelak pulak kang keluar segala yang dia hafal’. Padahal tuan punya badan steady je. Dia buat kau rasa nak protect dia dari segala benda. Memang tak realistik, tapi aku cuma mengharap siapa tahu dapat menyelit sama saham dia dekat sana. Ameen.

Minggu lepas, dapat tahu diorang baru habis majlis khatam. Rasa 3 tahun tu macam baru je lagi. Macam baru minggu lepas dia datang INTEC solat terawih, buka puasa semua sekali. Macam baru je pergi kisas sambut maulid nabi. Sedar-sedar dah semester akhir. Tahniah saudari. Dan takziah, kerana ini lah baru titik sebenar jihad seorang hafiz. Semoga istiqamah.

Kerana terlalu mengundang ada orang London balik Malaysia ni, memang berjalan lah cerita dia. Skytrex lah apa semua ahh dunia semua ni, ke DQ lah kita.

Yang seronoknya masuk DQ ni sebab tempat dia memang hulu habislah. Kiri kanan memang bukit je ada. Dia satu rasa yang sangat aku cari tak jumpa dekat Cyber; tenang. Cyber pon hulu jugak, tapi batu jelah ada saujana mata memandang. Lama-lama hati pon membatu kematu berkelatu hmmph.

Kesan modenisasi. Kadang-kadang aku suka membanding yang mana satu lebih hidup dan yang mana lebih mati. Berada di luar bandar tanpa kecanggihan teknologi atau di bandar yang sesak tanpa redup alam semulajadi. Jadi aku kira segalanya pon bermain istilah ‘trade-off’.

Inilah pertama dan mungkin terakhir kali menjejak ke DQ. Ada rasa yang sama seperti kau menjejak kaki ke negeri yang asing. Tabik spring lah makhluk dekat sini, punyalah jakun kitorang datang buat bising gelak terbahak gosip meletop segala tak kena shushh pon. Entah macam mana, suara aku yang slow ni pon terasa luar biasa kuat bila bercakap dekat sana. Almaklum menjaga semuanya dekat sana.

Mesti tak dapat tidak, bila bercakap tu semua pasal fikrah. Masih matang walaupon tak nampak macam. Perbezaan dan pengalaman menghadapi berlainan mazhab di UK, aku belajar. Perbezaan dan pertembungan berlainan tariqat di sini. Dan segala yang sudah terlalu berbeza semenjak mula melangkah keluar kisas. Inilah hidup. Segalanya bergerak dan berevolusi dengan rentaknya yang tersendiri.

Tapi mungkinkah untuk berada di takuk lama dan benar-benar hidup. Kerana jika mustahil, itulah aku yang selama ini mati dan hanya berpura ‘hidup’.

“Tanpa sedar, sebenarnya kita semua ni syadid dalam sesuatu perkara kan.”

Ye. Bagi aku itu namanya prinsip. Bukan macam lalang takda backbone boleh kena tolak kanan kiri. Asal kena cuci sikit dah letak percaya, di bagi janji sikit terus sami’na wa ata’na. Tak salah kau mempersoal perkara, bukan kau mencabar cuma minta percambahan perspektif yang brrbeza.

“Kak Nani amik marketing kan? Nak tanya MLM tu macam mana sebenarnya?”

“Kenapa? Eh dekat sini kan ada course Muamalat cuba tanya diorang sebab kita bukannya belajar dari perspektif yang islamik punya. Tak tahu sangat pasal hukum hakam atau yang melibatkan fiqah dia.”

“Tulah masalahnya, kitorang dekat sini cuma belajar yang basic muamalat dalam Islam macam mana itu je. Jarang ada sentuh-sentuh masalah yang current issue.”

Dekat sinilah aku mula percaya ilmu agama dan dunia itu sudah menjadi dua juzuk yang berbeza. Sebelum ni ada terbaca post di blog Ustaz Hasrizal yang mempersoalkan perkara yang sama. Tentang bagaimana matapelajaran silibus agama dan kebangsaan diasingkan melalui perbezaan sesi persekolahan pagi dan petang. Tak lama, Ustaz Nushi pon mengulang perkara yang sama masa datang MMU dulu. Tentang bermulanya sains daripada Islam dan Islam itu sendiri adalah sains. Tentang manusia pertama yang mencipta kapal adalah Nuh AS dan bukannya saudara Amerika atau British sana.

“Tu semua kena cari sendiri Zir, yang pasal MLM tu pon sebab kita pernah dengar ada dekat satu ceramah ni. Contoh business boleh dapat income melalui dua; sales dengan membership fees. Kalau dia jual beli profit dia dapat daripada sales jual barang tak apa tapi kalau just through membership fees and takde sales langsung haram.”

Selama aku ambil marketing cuma akan dua respons sahaja yang aku akan dapat:-
1. Kenapa amik marketing? Nak kayakan orang lain ke?
2. Kenapa dah sekolah agama tapi amik Marketing?

Nasib fikiran aku takdelah sedangkal tu, aku mula ambil Marketing sebab aku minat untuk buat bisnes. Sebab ada ke bisnes yang betul-betul bersih sekarang. Makin besar company, makin besarlah korupsi dia. Just sebab semua nampak part yang ‘kaya’ tu je.

“Kalau tak keluar memang semua benda-benda ni kitorang takkan dapat kot. Mana nak jumpa orang yang lain mazhab ke apa dekat sini. Kitorang dekat sini comfort zone sangat.”

“Dekat UK sana ramai je baru first year dah tidur satu rumah laki perempuan. Minum, clubbing,tiba-tiba free hair jangan cakaplah. Dekat sana kosong sangat, nak isi kosong tu lah yang sampai dorang buat semua tu. Sampai ada orang ajak pergi trip lepastu kata nak kongsi rumah sama ramai-ramai, memang taklah salah orang bro.”

Memang untuk yang kuat tu ujian dia lebih. Taklah anda seorang yang kuat iika tidak direzekikan menjadi hafizah. Tidaklah anda seorang yang kuat jika tidak mampu tahan bebasnya hidup di perantauan. Dan ketahuilah disebalik setiap yang kuat itu ada orang di belakangnya hehe :)

Semoga selamat.

Orang kuat KKB~

Seketul Alkis

Rasa sangat seram bila tengok sekalian banyaknya manusia meluah kata gaya mengarah M16 ke kepala lawan menunggu picu menghambur peluru hidup untuk menembak mati si lawan kata. Fuhh ayat aku. Jadi nanti muncullah seketul manusia berkata, ‘Kita manusia bukan malaikat, tak sempurna semua buat salah’. Ah kau penat dah aku melalak panjang-panjang pasal cerita manusia-malaikat ni. Kau ‘stalk’ lah post sebelum-sebelum ni.

(Muqaddimah diatas tiada kaitan dengan post sekadar peringatan*peace*)

Satu minggu ni sangat kritikal aku rasa, sudah cukup bersyukur dipermudahkan semuanya. Gara-gara post sebelum ni, sebenarnya dalam hati ada sikit ketidak’tenangan’ disitu. Bak kata iman, kalau hati tak tenang tu sama ada apa yang kita buat adalah satu dosa atau perkara yang tak disukai tuhan. Lagipun bila berkata masa hati emosi begitulah buruk yang keluarnya.

Risau punya risau, tetiba diturunkan seketul ALKIS membenarkan kata-kata aku sebelum ni. Mana nak jumpa dekat MMU ada alkis. Bila jumpa seketul rasa macam ‘bro, lama tak jumpa.’ Selamba aku nak berbro-bro dengan ustaz. Dimudahkan, walau tak pernah jumpa tapi rasa sangat seronok jumpa orang yang asal sama tempat tarbiah dengan kita.

Walaupun tajuk yang diberi dekat ustaz mengenai ‘Mencontohi Rasulullah dalam Gerakan Jemaah Islam’, aku perasan ustaz tak berapa sentuh pon hal-hal berkaitan jemaah dsb. Dari awal ceramah ustaz cakap awal-awal, “kita ni suka sangat cakap pasal benda-benda yang tak perlu pon sampai nak dijadikan isu, kau kafir, dia bidaah, tu wahabi, ni syiah, hal tersebut adalah perkara furu’ yang sampai bila pon susah untuk ada kata sependapat.”

Jujur aku rasa sangat dekat dengan ustaz dari segi cara pandang dan buah fikir. Bila ustaz kata, "saya selalu dengar orang kata takpa result tak ok yang penting hubungan dengan Allah ok cukuplah. Belajar nak kena sungguh-sungguh, hubungan dengan Allah pon nak kena sungguh-sungguh lah." Waktu tu sangat berterima kasih, aku sangat mati kutu berjumpa orang-orang macam ni sampai banyak masa pernah terlintas, aku yang salah kot.

Lepastu ustaz kongsikan pengalaman dia, “Beberapa hari lepas saya ada buat training, sorang student datang jumpa saya dia cakap, ustaz saya tak setuju dengan ceramah ustaz. Bagi saya kejayaan saya adalah sebab saya sendiri yang usaha bukan ada kaitan dengan Allah yang tentukan qada’ dan qadar.” Pelajar tersebut yang berasal daripada latar belakang sekolah agama dan menyambung pelajaran di Australia sambung, “Ustaz, tapi jangan salah faham. Saya bukan liberal.” Ustaz, “Memang kau bukan liberal, kau sekular. Tapi saya cakap dalam hati je lah haha.”

Bila ustaz kongsikan pengalaman dia tu, aku terus rasa macam nak cakap, ustaz ada seketul kawan saya pon macam tu. Dulu duduk sekolah agama sama-sama belajar lepastu dah sambung belajar France tetiba keluar statement menggugah iman. Iman aku lah tapi astaghfirullah.

Ada seorang sahabat A kongsikan mengenai haramnya mengucap ucapan ‘Merry Christmas’ kepada non-muslim. Kemudian secara keras si budak France ni dia tanya, “Mana dapat sumber? Boleh dipercayai ke? Biarawati tersebut siapa? Dia tahuke sejarah atau makna yang sebenar ucapan Merry Christmas tu?”. Ohoi, mamat ni tak lek betul kesian budak A ni dalam hati aku, sure kerja dia tukang share je. So aku tunggulah beberapa ketika kot-kot ada budak syariah or usuluddin (mungkin) yang nak menjernihkan keadaan. Tapi sakit hati punya pasal aku just cakaplah sekadar yang tahu, “Fatwa kata haram hukumnya kalau dengan ucapan tu kita membenarkan jugak yang agama diorang betul. Tapi takpe kalau untuk sekadar congratulate diorang.” Dengan pantasnya dia menaip, “Fatwa ulama tu dibuat mengambil kira tak apa sejarah sebanar atau maksud Merry Christmas tu? Selagi takda dalam Al-quran dengan Sunnah, tak semestinya fatwa tu betul-betul tepat. Jangan sekadar buat sesuatu perkara tu denagan ikutan je tapi kaji dulu.”

Sayangnya mungkin dia tak sempat baca statement kedua yang aku cuba sampaikan tu. Dia cuma nampak sampai part yang haram je kot. Jadi aku tak faham kenapa aku kena marah bila aku cuba support dia partially dan sangat tak tahan dengan orang yang kerja nak attack tanpa nak dengar hujah orang lain dulu. Tak cool bro.

Tapi dia buat aku berfikir. Kalau fatwa ulama pon kita tak mampu untuk jadikan guideline, apa yang kita nak ikut? Memang apa yang ada dalam Al-quran dan Sunnah tu yang paling utama untuk kita ikut, tapi zaman berbeza. Macam mana kita nak tackle masalah yang takda masa zaman nabi atau tentang perkara yang tidak disebut didalam Q&S pada zaman ni? Sebab tu yang wujud kau wahabi, kau syiah, kau kafir lah. Sebab perbezaan yang tiada atau tidak disebut secara terang didalam Q&S.

Tapi kalau kita belajar tentang Q&S bukannya takda disebut langsung. Dah terang-terang kata siapa yang mengikut perayaan agama tersebut, dia termasuknya. Takkan nak minta, “Mana ayat Merry Christmas yang Q&S kata haram sebut? Aku nak sebijik dia mesti eja ‘Merry Christmas’ semua sama”. Memang cari pasal lah. Dan fatwa jugak diambil daripada Q&S dan ijmak.

Aku boleh faham situasi dia, cuba kau duduk dekat France yang kiri kanan orang meraikan perayaan Christmas. Mungkin kau dijemput hadir sama dan susah untuk kau tolak dengan memberi alasan haram. Dan kawan-kawan Malaysia kau sibuk share post-post pasal haram sebut Merry Chtistmas. Tidaklah Islam itu susah tapi memudahkan. Selagi mana menyebutnya tidak mensyirikkan Allah, menggugat iman dan aqidah sekadar tanda hormat dan adab, tidak menjadi masalah. Islam itu aman.

Menyentuh soal sejarah ini sangat menarik. Bagi aku, hanya satu kitab sejarah yang tiada keraguan padanya dan aku menolak yang lainnya; Q&S. Aku sangat minat sejarah, daripada kecil History Channel tu memang sehari tu mesti ada je yang bukak dekat rumah tu. Cerita-cerita sejarah yang kononnya ‘true story’ pon bagi aku sekadar fiction story cuma bezanya direkod dan didokumentasikan. Ibnu Khaldun dalam Muqaddimah menyebut, sejarawan banyak memanipulasi data dan figure untuk menunjukkan keunggulan sesuatu tamadun atau bangsa. Sebab itu jika dilihat terdapat banyak ketidaksamaan fakta dari seorang sejarawan kepada sejarawan yang lain.

Sejarah yang disumbat kepada kita sekarang ni pon sekadar dongengan yang masuk dalam paper final exam, lepastu kau minta aku mengkaji sejarah semata tanpa Q&S. Aku tanya, sejarah yang direka siapa kau minta aku percaya dan kaji ni? Sejarah boleh diamati dan perlu untuk kita ketahui, tapi bila kau membuat hukum hanyalah kau gunakan satu kitab sejarah Q&S sahaja. Tolong.

Aku tak liberal. Aku realis.

Dan sayang, dia juga seketul alkis.

 

Daki Korporatasi

A: Syafiqah, kenapa kita kena belajar? You sedar tak dah berapa tahun kita buat benda ni. Lama kot, dari kecik. Actually kita bukan belajar pon kan. Kita bukan belajar sebab kita memang nak belajar. Kita belajar sebab nak dapat good reults so that nati boleh dapat kerja bagus. Lepastu?

B: Kak Nani, semalam kita tengok cerita '3 Idiot'. Ada satu part tu yang kita sukalah nak quote, 'study what's your passion is.' Kita tak rasa kita amik ACCA ni sebab memang kita nak, more to sebab nak peuhi kehendak parents. Dah berapa kali kita rasa nak give up.

C: Pika kau tahu tak kadang-kadang aku rasa menyesal. Menyesal sebab selama ni kerja aku belajar je. Kau kalau dulu masa before SPM ke PMR, time cuti kau belajar tak? Aku memang kena belajar. Sekarang ni aku macam menyesal kenapa dulu aku tak rebel sikit. Aku ikut je parents aku suruh aku buat apa-apa. Dulu aku adalah jugak main sport masa sekolah rendah tapi lepas tu dah tak. Parents aku dah tak bagi.

D: You ada tak parents you marah kalau you tak study? I tak boleh, kalau tak dapat pointer 3 memang balik rumah kena bantailah. Sebab tu I bukan jenis study sangat pon. Kalau seminggu before final tu you jangan kacau I lah memang I takkan keluar bilik buat apa pon kalau tak mati nak jawab dekat parents I.


***

Lega rasa bila tuhan bagi aku kesempatan nak luahkan rasa tak puas hati aku kali ni. Lama sangat dah simpan rasa. Bukannya aku cuba membuang sabar. Aku sabar bila kawan-kawan mengadu penat belajar. Terlalu sabar bila ada juga kawan yang gaya macam kononnya dah tak ada life tapi part berjimba tak pernah lupa. Kelakar.

Suka sangat dengar bila coursemate mengadu Mathemetics susah tapi meniru tutorial tak sudah. Suka jugak bila tengok lecturer perihatin masa depan student bagi tips exam macam nak provide segala jawapan semata untuk student pass.

Lepastu boleh kau datang perli tak puas hati, ahh tak payah tanya ika semua A A A A punyalah. Kelakar.

Aku suka quote "If you don't busy living, you are busy dying." dari buku It's Kind of A Funny Story, Ned Vizzini. So do tell me something, are we just happen to be here just because we aren't dead yet. Are you sure that you're still alive? Or had you actually already dead.. inside.

Definisi hidup untuk setiap orang tu berbeza, jadi aku cuba untuk faham. Aku tak berhak untuk judge sebab aku tak lalui apa yang mungkin orang lain pernah lalui. Mungkin hidup aku yang tak pernah ada masalah, kau fikir. Jadi kau pon bukanlah yang selayaknya untuk menghakimi susah senang hidup aku. Tapi satu yang pasti, sampai bila nak bertanding peraga hidup siapa lebih susah. Tak beri manfaat. Sampai bila nak minta orang simpati pada diri? Dan bila masanya nak berhenti simpati dengan diri sendiri.

Kau tak rasa nikmat bila segalanya melimpah ruah depan mata. Kau tak upaya untuk walau sedikit merasa syukur, walau sedikit. Kau yang pilih untuk membuta mata, dan untuk itu kau memilih mati. Kau matikan segala rasa untuk kesenangan yang seketika depan mata. Kau lupa hak yang perlu kau peuhi untuk diri kau 10 20 tahun kemudian. Percayalah, kau akan sakit.

Kau tanya, untuk apa perlu belajar?

Sahabat, kalau kau fikir masuk lecture 2 jam, siapkan tutorial, assignment, quiz tu belajar kau silap. Kalau kau rasa hafal lecture note, text book tu belajar kau lagi salah. Kalau setakat tu je kau hadkan diri kau untuk faham konsep belajar macam mana kau mampu optimumkan potensi diri kau sebagai mahasiswa.

Mahasiswa yang hidupnya hanya berlegar di 3K (Kelas, katil, kafe). Fahamlah belajar itu satu proses yang takkan berhenti selagi jasad masih bernyawa. Siapa yang pilih untuk sepenuhnya berhenti belajar, dia itu mati. Jadi kenapa belajar menjadi sesuatu yang susah? Sekali lagi, belajar tak susah. Yang susah bila kau cuba menghafal nota dan tips tanpa usaha untuk faham konsep dan aplikasinya.

Kau takut gagal bila gagal pon adalah satu proses untuk belajar. Jadi kau belajar kerana takut, dan kau tanya aku kenapa belajar tu susah?

Segala benda jadi susah bila yang memotivasikan kau itu rasa takut. Cuba. Cuba kau cari kekuatan pandang sejauh-jauhnya. Pandang impian yang kau sangkut tinggi di angkasa. Pandang merentas benua, percaya yang kaki kau kan mampu menjejak sana. Pandang kecil dunia yang kan kau tinggal tak lama.

Itu definisi hidup aku. Hidup dari pandangan hidup orang lain. Kau akan rasa cukup dan syukur. Belajar bukan satu perkara yang kau buat seharian hingga menjadi rutin tanpa kau sedar. Belajar itu memberi makna pada material yang kau peroleh. Material semata tanpa makna itu sampah.

Jadi cuba belajar memaknakan material. Buang segala cara yang kau tahu dan cari perspektif yang baru. Belajar mencari bagaimana cara mampu kau rasa untuk belajar dahulu. Kerana rasa itu yang menghidupkan. Dan sungguh rasa itu letaknya di hati.

Kau duduk, dan cuba kau tanya diri apa yang kau nak?

 I want to be overwhelm with the feeling of able to enjoy new things.

I'm not sure what I'm doing, is this all enough?

Because I seek more. 

Long-distance Relation

It’s almost 5 months now. I didn’t realize time could flew this fast. I’m so used to it right now, jealousy is slowly turning it way round. Funny when it’s turned up that you’re the one who are keeping your friends’ sense on the ground. It’s a good feeling, but not really.

What will you do when a friend of hundreds kilometer away calling you in tears in a subway? What will you do when you text a friend to say hye, and she just pour all her problems out? How will you feel?

If you’re planning on going somewhere far away aren’t you supposed to at least be happy? Why in the whole world that you are not? It’s frustrates me so much. How could I be content when I know there’s someone who is not. To be happy is not a sin. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to be happy. Why putting conditions and terms to restrict yourself from being happy?

It is hard being alone with no real friends and family you could really talk to. It even gets lonely at times. It made you think twice about your past decisions and how you wish you know better. That’s why He made you not knowing. Because then you will only choose the one which only please you, not the one which are really good for you.

Be happy.

Stop just wishing to be happy, and start to really be! Because you know what, I have tons of complaints and dissatisfactions and at times I really want to rant on and on about some petty things but its hard when there’s others taking the highlights away. It made my problems look tiny and trivial in comparison. But, they’re still problems and most importantly they’re mine.

So I stop writing. Because I told myself, if it’s not going to be beneficial to others, don’t bother.

I don’t intend to write anything motivational. If you seek that in my writing sorry but I’ll just simply be a disappointment. Find yourselves that in a bookstore. I’m writing life experience stories. I’m translating emotions lay deep within. I’m presenting opinions and thoughts I don’t have the opportunity to voice out. I don’t want to be a motivationer.

 Look into my life, and live better. Hear my thoughts, and think better.

I am happy. So please, be happier :)

(Cardiff, UK- Pahang, MAS)

Budget 2016

(Disclaimer: This post didn't related in any way to the previous Malaysia post-budget 2016 tabling. However, to appreciate your effort you can download the summary of the report here : Budget 2016.pdf)


I don't exactly know why but I think this was the most depressed new year I had ever experienced. To think that I am reaching 21 years old and had done basically nothing worth to the society, it's just upsetting. So here I was spending the last two days bursting out over the dreams I had not yet able to realise. When I was just about an arm close to it, and foolishly I just give in. I only thought about the present and so overwhelmed by emotions at that moment, I gave it out - my dreams.

And now, once again I had been given the opportunity to sketch out a new dream, to structure out new plans. I really had learnt my lesson. From the very moment I fell off the ground, I had not waking up just for the sake of moving on. But I'm waking up realising that hey I still have hope.

Maybe, the path are a little bit different and strange. And that I might not even like it at all. But, believe me I'm really giving it all out here. I'm going to nail my studies, not for the reason so that people would be impress in me, but for my dreams. Just what kind of dreams you might wonder I had in mind. Well, it's a really big dream I must say.

Talking about my dreams here, I'm really pissed off the whole previous week. I had been brainwashed with the perception that by being a Muslim, your only goal is to attain Jannah (heaven). And to achieve so, you don't have to worry about what your status are in this world. That it's okay if you are not brilliant, as long as you could maintain your state of iman (faith). That if you are not able to obtain good grades in exam, it's not because you didn't work hard on it. It's because He had written it to be so, and He knows better what is good for you and your iman.

To an extent I'm not saying that it was all wrong, it could be true that way. But just why and again I emphasise here, why didn't you look at it the other way round? Why do we really love the conservative way of thinking when it comes to Islam? I'm not saying you should be progressive either. I'm saying, shouldn't we take it moderately in all aspects when it comes to Islam? Moderately as in to be fair by putting each rights to their respective place accordingly.

When in KISAS, we were always been greatly reminded about this kind of things every single day. Like, get proper sleep because you body also have its rights. Don't skipped meals and studying too hard, fulfill your body rights first. Do some exercise and worked out, Allah had give you a healthy body you should maintain it. Every single things that entitled to us are responsibilities that we need to take care of. Because at the end, we will being asked about it all.

Same with this world. He had put this world under our supervision. He had entrusted it to us and not to others. Then why aren't we sparing this world its rightful rights as much as we put the hereafter as our prioritisation?

I meant to say, it isn't wrong if you wish to be successful and powerful in this world. Don't condemned and distance yourself with the worldly matter just because you had seen many bad peoples becoming corrupted from their very much possessions and power in this world. Just don't be afraid.

Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children (Al-hadid : 20). 

Don't be afraid.

Be not faint hearted and be not sorrowful, you will surely gain the upper hand, if you be true believers.(139)
If you have received a blow now, your enemy also received a similar blow. These are the vicissitudes of time that We alternate among the people; this has been done so that Allah may test from among you who were believers and choose the righteous witnesses of the Truth; for Allah does not like the workers of iniquity (140)
and by this test He willed to sort out true believers and to crush down the disbelievers. (141)
Do you think that you will enter Paradise without undergoing any trial? Allah has not yet tried you to see who among you are ready to lay down your lives in His way and who will show fortitude for His sake.(142)
You used to long for death but that was before you confronted it. Well, now it has come before you, and you have seen it with your own eyes. (143)

(Ali Imran : 139-143)

This is the verse that put me both at ease and wary during the Paris airstrike on Syria. Yeah how would you not be. And from the tafseer Bukhari, it also included a narration mention by Ibn Umar from the prophet saying, the believer that associates with the society and be patient with the turbulence are better than a believer that are not associating with the society and are not patient with the turbulence.

However, the ulama' had discussed in full length about this issues following through other sahih narration mention by the prophet about the importance of uzlah (separating) to protect yourself and your iman. It would be interestingly better if only during usrah or liqa' we could discuss about important things like this. So interestingly better.

Huhh I guess supposedly I shouldn't be ranting about trivial things like this. Still the old me.

So, this is where the real point of the head tittle come in. And how the story above can be kind of related to it. You see, I had this small bank where I kept all my saving and it had been 2 months since I started. I had make a bookkeeping and record all of my expenses every day. So much thanks to all those 2 years of doing Accounting during my A Level. I had been able to prepare a budgeting, where in every RM50 worth a week, I had to at least save for RM20. In a month, I could save at least RM80. Though, honestly it was very easy to trail off the budget. It's not like you could mind-controlling your stomach to not feeling hungry. I just wish I could though.

There's reasons why I save. You could obviously tell what the reasons are from the picture above. Half of the savings will be allocated as a capital for me to startup a business and the other half are for Haj purposes. And I put them in ratio 1:1 because I see both of them as equally important.

I know my eternal goal would be to achieve Jannah, I don't want it to be otherwise. But, would it be wrong if I put half of my commitment to serve the world. There's so much thing that I wanted to do and contribute. So much people that I wish to help. So much things that I wanted it to change. I'm sorry for having that much greed. I just don't believe that this world had not a single share to the after world. That's why I planned the budget that way. Half would be for the short term, and the other half is for the infinitely long term.

Still, I respect any way you find convenience for yourself. Always, this kind of things made me thinking and reflect back on my true intentions and motives. Because sometimes, Allah have its special ways in sending an unexpected events in your life as a reminder or warning even so that you won't trail off the track.

Either way, let's start the new year with brand new hopes and dreams :)