Against the Tides

Greece. Haiti.

These are some examples of the third world country that had a very low economics growth – each for a very different reason. Though the possible factors are unlikely, both countries had suffered the same consequences. I often wonder, which side does Economist usually take? The one side that profit the government or the other side that prioritising the welfare of the civilians.

We (Economics students) had been familiarise with the theory of Production Possibility Frontier (PPF), where in order to produce a certain degree of goods A, we had to forgo a certain degree of goods B because of the resources constraint. This is what we called as an opportunity cost. In order to produce a car, we had to forgo the negative social effect that it may cause (pollution and disease). To put with, it is inevitable to better off a party without worsening off the other party.

So, it went back to the question above; which side does the Economist usually take? Or is it possible to not taking side. We are not just dealing with the economy, we are also dealing with the people heavily relied by that economy. All these while, it was not just theories, formulas or models meant to be memorise for examination and forgotten later on, if not to alert us to improve the economic and social state of the people.

Nowadays, I can’t help laughing to myself realising how irrelevant all those theories and models are when applied to the real world. Instead, I don’t feel like I even need those two years of bloodshed tears when I found that you can just be anyone to be an ‘economics experts’. It irritates me more when most of our leaders who are well-equipped with Master in Economics aren’t even behaving like how they should be – scholarly and unpretentious.

Economics should be a tool to help people and to make better of the world. It should not be used to overpower the weak and exploit the poor. I got a friend who believes that economy had been a major reason that divided people.

“I feel that economy should be our least priority in order to build a harmony country. We could see what had happened to our country when we are too focused to make greater of our economy. Because of economy, people are fighting with each other. All bad things had happened and it was all because of our greed to accomplish a better economic state!”

Honestly, to hear that kind of unjust accusation towards economy from a great scholar that are going to major in Economics itself are quite bizarre. I believe it was emotion that talks that night. To be swarm in a reality where you had no idea what the future are going to be and to not be able to do anything about it, it sure are sickening. It made you feel hopeless. Weirdly, these kinds of situations are always making me grow more determined.

There will always exit a fellow like him, the kind of economist that will always put people out of anything as their top priority. I, on the other hand, find it difficult to be of the same mind as him. Why did we always tend to choose a side when we are more than able to better off both? Ironically, the way we are thinking had already proved that the opportunity cost model was applicably right.

I had fall into arguments with some frineds last week.

Me : ‘Guys, someone asked me what side I’m on – fight or flight? What side you guys are on? Are you guys really wanted to fly?’

A : ‘You don’t? Of course, I wanted to. But Kak Nani, what’s on your mind?’

B : ‘Aren’t we already agreeing about this. That we’re going to give it all out. We have to have faith. We said that we’re going to help unfortunate people like Fizah and all, right? We have to fight. For their sake.’

Me : ‘Honestly, right now my priority is that for everybody to be able to receive the scholarship. If with me not flying JPA would consider sponsoring every each of us, that’s what I’m likely to do.’

Every time, I had always forced myself to not be selfish. To not talk or give any opinion when I’m on a bad state of emotion. To always be able to give solid justification on the things that I’m going to say or do. To contemplate factors, consequences, pros and cons. To ask when I’m in hesitation and having no knowledge about the issues asked. To hear and listen to others side of the story.

B : ‘Government is government. Even though they don’t have any money, they could loan it elsewhere..’

Sometimes, when bad things happened we tend to point a finger. We tend to find the cause of the problems and we only look at the bad point that they had done? I asked you this. Does it do any help? In fact, it did nothing. When situations like this came, I often wonder which side I am. I’m not favoring the government, but I don’t entirely blame them. And it’s not like I don’t think about the people’s welfare, I do.

Me : ‘Please don’t think it like that. This is our country. Think about the future generations, they deserve to be sponsored like we did too.’

Sometimes, I could be quite harsh. But, that would be when I want my words to be heard. You don't have to be totally agree with me but I just want you to spare some time to listen and give it a deep thought before you started listing out speculations and giving false judgments. I honestly don’t take sides. When dealing with the reality as of today, it’s hard to even point a finger. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? How would we even know? All these while, many had asked the wrong question. No, do we even know what the right questions to ask are?

Everywhere you turned, you could clearly see that people are pressed. And in many situations like this, we tend to make the wrong decision. We are rush in making judgement, we don't think. We feel like we are doing it right, but the truth is we are dead wrong. And we will be regretting it, sooner or latter.

It brought me to realise that actually I had been playing a game at BTN that was so much alike with the situation I had encounter these days.

We were given a piece of paper, the instruction given to us was very clear. Read all of the questions, than answer them within 4 minutes. I could still remember the facilitator repeating the same instruction over and over. However, the part that we selectively payed attention to is only 'Answer all of the questions within 4 minutes!'. And as soon as we flipped the paper up, we turned into a race against times and tried to answer as many questions as possible.

Then, I stopped a minute and turned to my friend on the left. Why aren't she writing anything? Whatever, I better finish this fast. No, wait. Really, why aren't she practically doing anything? Something is wrong. This is wrong, isn't it. I turned to her again. She repeated the previous instruction given by the facilitator. I know, in 4 minutes right? She shakes her head hard and point to the bottom of the paper.

Bewildered. I gave her a surprised look. The last instruction say, if you are a Muslim only answer question number 10 and 15. I f you are a non-Muslim please answer all question beside question number 10 and 15.

That moment when you realised you had made a fool of yourself and it's just too late to do anything, it's hurting my pride. That was something really precious that I had learned there. And I really don't intend to fool myself a second time this time. I also don't want my friends to make the same mistakes again. So, try to give it some times when you are making a decision. Get rid all of the factors that might pressured you up like families, moneys, times, expectations and negative emotions. Consider the choices you have and the risk that might come up. I had stressed it many times to all of my friends, think!

Funny Story

The Manhattan Bridge. It seems like a perfect place. At this height, anyone who jumps will be dead for sure. Maybe no one will find the body. Not until it floats and been found by the coaster. And, it was still night. No one will bother to notice to stop me.

‘Hey Craig, what about the bike?’

‘I want to kill myself I don’t care about the bike.’

‘Don’t you ever think what if I might want it later?’

‘Yeah hon, that’s your problem. You never care about us. You never think what might happen to us when you are gone.’

I love the movie. The book.

It’s a story about how a teenage boy ending up in an adult psychiatry ward unit. He thinks that he can’t handle the outside world. Growing up full with expectations, eventually he just can’t catch up. He was afraid of letting his father down, so afraid of not going to be accepted in one of the most prestigious summer school and thus, being left out by his incredibly genius friends.

I guess this are the most common concern kids these day will have. At the moment, it feels so big and important. You spent hours and days coming up with alternatives but no, it still won’t work out. You ran.

Just like Craig.

But, Craig ran to make better of his life. He knows that he needs help and he was not ashamed to admit his ‘sicknesses’.

‘Can you explain what are you feeling this morning that trigger you to this place?’

‘It’s hard to explain. But, it feels big. Like I don’t know what I might do to myself if I was out there.’

Sometimes, it’s hard to explain all that you feel inside. It’s not like you had any particular reasons why you might had feel depressed. That was why I believe human are a very powerful creature. Their ability to withstand and understand is immeasurable. We could never tell how patience a person is nor could we tell how understanding a person is.

Other people might feel that our problems are insignificant to theirs. We feel that they don’t understand us. But, had you tried to understand them. Had you both tried to make understand of each other?

No problems are too big or too small. They are just the I-can-handle-it-problems and the I-don’t-think-I-can-settled-it-problems. Every problem comes with an answer. Have faith in that statement. It just that sometimes in order to find the exact answer, you had to go a long way. You had to do countless of try and error. And, many find it easier to leave it blank rather than giving it a try.

I met my college junior earlier today.

‘I’d made my mind. I want to give up my studies abroad and continue it in local university instead.’

‘Don’t you want to at least give it a try? There’s still plenty of time until the A2 exam. Besides dik, I have plenty of friends that were once on the same situation as you. They didn’t met the cut off point for the AS exam but, they still make it through at the end.’

‘I can’t guarantee it will be the same for me kak. I know my performance and it feels so hard. Besides I don’t want to put my future at stake.’

‘So, what’s your plan?’

‘Are your parents okay with your decisions?’

‘What course did you take? What’s your subject combination?’

‘Had you apply any of the local universities?’

‘Will you.. be fine?’

To be able to console a soul today, I feel my own consoled. Sometimes, it was much easier to find happiness in others happiness. Honestly, I really need someone to hear me out. I want to pour everything that I had kept inside. I just want someone to listen. Someone that will understand, without me having to utter the words to describe.

But, no.

I had always been the one that listened. All the time. I console myself by consoling others. I had always thought that by that I will be more at ease. But now I’m not sure anymore. When I decide to open up, it feels like no one cares.

I lied. By saying that I’m fine. I had to. Because I need to live. To move on. To forget. To dream.. again.

But, I am fine.. really.

Telan Kaca di BTN

(Post kali ni edisi rempit sikit, harap maklum)

Meru.

Aku dah mula menjejak kaki ke BTN Meru seawal usia aku tak reti mengelap hingus lagi, pakai tudung pun tanggal buka tanggal buka. Kira-kira antara tahun 2005/2006. Tapi tika itu bukan aku yang diBTNkan. Aku cuma mengikut ibu memBTN anak-anak murid dia.

Menjejajak kenanganlah kiranya datang balik ke kem ni. Kalau dulu, aku masih ingat merayau-rayau celah kakak-kakak waktu ceramah. Ingat lagi kena cubit-cubit pipi dengan akak-akak yang dua kali tinggi dari aku. Ingat lagi aku kena tidur atas lantai dengan cikgu-cikgu yang lain dekat bilik kecik sebelah dewan tu. Siapa sangka 10 tahun kemudian aku yang duduk sampai sakit pinggang berjam-jam lamanya mendengar sesi ceramah dan diskusi yang ada.

Kawan-kawan banyak pesan, ‘korang jangan melawan, ikut je dia kata apa’. Jadi persepsi aku sebelum ke BTN agak kotor dan sempit. Bukan aku ni jenis yang senang-senang nak kena brainwash pon, tapi aku pon bukanlah jenis yang sesuka hati nak merebel tak tentu pasal tanpa menjustifikasi dan merasional terlebih dulu (boleh dibahaskan).

Jadi sepanjang 5 hari 4 malam tu, aku cuma menjadi aku. Aku memang jenis yang banyak mempersoalkan benda, lagi-lagi kalau benda tu diluar bidang kemahiran aku. Jadi istilah ‘senyap’ dan ‘terima’ memang bukan prinsip akulah. Ada benda yang kita boleh sami’na wa ato’na, and ada benda yang kita tak boleh nak main ikut je.

Basically, ada 4 slot wacana minda daripada speaker-speaker yang memang mantaplah. And 9 slot (18 jam) ldk dengan fasi kumpulan masing-masing. Jangan risau, tak pecah pon modul dalam ldk tu. Apa yang aku nak kongsi sebenarnya ialah persepsi aku. Bukan terhadap modul BTN ni. Tapi terhadap orang yang macam-macam jenis kau akan jumpa dalam BTN ni.

Pelik. Modul sama. Objektif kem ni sama. Tapi macam mana reaksi dan interpretasi lain-lain orang boleh berbeza. Dia buat aku sampai rasa, weh fasi korang cakap apa haa kenapa aku tak fikir pon sampai macam tu. Dia maksudkan macam ni ni ni ni lah, bukannya macam tu tu tu tu.

Kalau nak ikutkan, benda-benda yang kecil macam ni lah yang boleh bawak sampai bergaduh. So, terima and faham. Yang setiap orang kepala otak dia lain-lain, jangan nak ikut kepala sendiri. Lain pendapat tak semestinya salah. Macam analogi yang dua orang diletakkan berhadapan. Ditengah-tengah diorang ada objek bulat. Bila ditanya apa bentuk bayang-bayang yang diorang nampak. Sorang kata bentuk bulat, and sorang lagi kata bentuk silinder. Lain jawapan, tapi dua-dua jawapan tu betul. Apa faktor penyebab jawapan tu lain ialah sebab diorang berada di angle yang berbeza. And kalau nak ikut situasi sekarang, angle tu ialah perspektif.

Begitulah. Jadi dipendekkan cerita, memang aku mengaku aku buat perangai gila sikit dekat BTN ni. Saja nak naikkan mood kawan-kawan yang mungkin penat or dah ada negative impression, aku meredah 5 6 jam nak ke Klang ni semata pergi kursus BTN lepastu balik macam tulah jugak. So, kalaupun diorang tak enjoy dekat BTN ni at least diorang ingatlah betapa annoying aku 5 hari 4 malam tu huhu.

Berbumbung dengan dormmates 5 hari 4 malam tu, jujur banyak benda aku senyapkan aje. Banyak benda yang aku nak argue, tapi aku rileks rileks dulu. Satu perkaralah pasal circle of friends aku selama 2 tahun dekat INTEC ni yang aku perasan ialah kitorang banyak betul mulut dekat belakang. Fuh, kalau mintak hujah time ni lah macam air keluar. Fu fu fu. Tapi kalau mintak keluar statement, semua macam krik krik krik krik.

Aku lebih suka kalau dekat belakang diorang berani cakap macam tu, pastikan dekat depan pon berani cakap benda yang sama. Kita dah cukup ramai manusia yang belakang je cakap lebat tapi bila ditolak ke depan tersipu-sipu macam kena sembelit. Apa yang selama ni aku belajar bila banyak kena tegur dengan orang (orang hebat tahap sheikh pak lebai pulak tu) ialah macam mana nak tahu pandangan kita tu hanya ikut emosi atau tak, tengok macam mana cara dia suarakan pandangan tu.

Orang yang cakap hanya ikut emosi, dia cakaplah pung pang pung pang biaq pi orang nak kata apa. Tapi orang yang cakap ikut akal, orang macam ni dia mungkin tak akan bercakap langsung. Bukan sebab dia pengecut. Weh, aku cakap macam ni kang tak pasal-pasal kena tahan ISA.Tapi dia fikir dulu. Pengalaman akulah, aku pernah berada di situasi terlalu berani sampai semua benda aku nak ulas. Dekat fb lagi tu. Sampai satu tahap dua kali ditegur mengenai kebodohan yang terang tang tang pulak tu oleh hamba-hamba Allah yang budiman.

Bak kata seorang saudara, kalau engkau berjalan dan terjatuh ke dalam lubang buat pertama kali itu tidak apa. Jika kau jatuh lagi kali kedua itu mungkin sebab kau terlupa. Tapi jika kau jatuh dilubang yang sama buat kali ketiga, kau bodoh.

Jadi, ditegur buat aku menjadi lebih berhati-hati mengeluar statement. Tapi janganlah sebab malu kena tegur terus sampai takde stand or opinion. Aku jenis yang direct. Tapi aku belajar untuk tapis kedirectan aku tu untuk adapt dengan kawan sekeliling. Kalau aku dapat terima opinion atau fikrah seseorang tu aku akan try move along dengan dia. Tapi kalau aku rasa tak sebulu, senyap dan cuba berlapang dada tu lebih baik kan.

Secondly, cerita dalam bilik ldk.

Langkah kaki kanan awal-awal tu dah letak niat, tutup mulut tu ika jangan rebel. Tapi jauh panggang dari api. Boleh pulak sampai bertekak berdua dengan ex-classmate. Sepanjang dua tahun hidup dengan budak-budak INTEC tak pernah lagilah aku tunjuk perangai aku yang ini. Selama ni aku just ok ok fine kau betul kau betul dah tak payah bising. Tapi time ldk haritu aku asik provoke orang je huhu.

Aku: Saya nak tanya dekat anda berdua yang pilih agama sebagai 20 sen. Kita selalu pandang dalam konteks sebagai seorang Muslim. Tapi cuba lihat dari perspektif agama-agama lain jugak? Mampukah dalam realiti sekarang ni untuk kita capai kata sepakat lagi-lagi dalam perkara yang melibatkan agama yang memang susah untuk orang nak berkompromi. Sedangkan sesama Islam sendiri kita masih bertelagah.

Thalhah potong: Saya gagal untuk bersetuju dengan apa yang saudari Syafiqah cuba sampaikan. Kenapa kita tidak meraikan kepelbagaian. Tak semestinya perlu hanya satu agama sahaja di dalam sesebuah negara. Saya juga memilih agama sebagai 20 sen. Bagi saya, perkara yang paling hebat yang kita dapat perolehi daripada agama ialah hope. Semua agama mengajak kepada kebaikan. Tiada satu agama pun yang menyuruh kepada kejahatan….(apatah lagi dah lupa)

Cuba kita lihat contoh penghijrahan nabi Muhammad SAW dari Mekah ke Madinah, waktu itu pelbagai agama dapat hidup dengan aman dan damai… (pon tak ingat)

Aku: Menarik contoh yang anda bagi. Tapi macam yang kita sedia maklum juga tiga perkara terawal yang baginda buat sewaktu hijrah baginda daripada mekah ke madinah ialah memberi salam, membina masjid dan mempersaudarakan Muhajirin dan Ansar. Apa rasional baginda membina masjid dahulu baru mempersaudarakan Muhajirin dan Ansar? Kita tahu pada zaman dahulu masjid ni berfungsi sebagai sebuah pusat untuk pentadbiran, pendidikan dsb.

Samalah macam fungsi sebuah negara. Kita perlu ada sebuah negara yang pemerintahannya baik baru semua agama yang ada didalamnya mampu diamalkan dengan aman. Saya amik contoh lain ketika Islam telah menakluk 2/3 dunia. Apa tujuan Islam menakluk negara-negara lain seperti Parsi dan Rom. Tujuan dia bukan supaya semua orang yang lain pun kena masuk Islam sama. Tapi supaya Islam dapat disebarkan, supaya penganut agama Islam dapat dilindungi dan supaya orang-orang yang bukan Islam pun dapat hidup dengan aman takde perang-perang.

Amik contoh sekarang ketika penganut Buddha dan Islam bertelagah di Rohingya. Apa yang jadi? Kerana kita tiada sebuah khilafah atau kerajaan Islam yang mampu melindungi penganut Islam itu sendiri, mereka dibunuh, diseksa dan diusir.

Thalhah potong lagi: Saudari Syafiqah tidak mengikuti perkembangan isu Rohingya secara terperinci. Malaysia menerima orang-orang Rohingya kerana mereka merupakan saudara se-Islam kita.

Aku potong pulak: Malaysia mampu menerima mereka kerana kita ada sebuah negara dan kerajaan yang kukuh. Negara Islam.

(Sedut hingussss sambil sengih sinis)

Dah habis slot tu ada sorang groupmate tanya, kau dengan Thalhah memang selalu bergaduh ke?

Ampun Thalhah. Tak layak nak bertekak pon dengan Thalhah ni sebenarnya. Orangnya hebat sangat. Debater SDAR kot mana taknya. Dia kalau nak cantas aku bebila dia nak pon boleh je. Tapi tulah. Aku semacam ada instinct yang dia takut dengan aku. Bukan takut aku. Tapi takut nak kata aku salah. Tuhan. Kadang-kadang fed up bila orang takut nak tegur kita. Aku pakai tudung labuh nampak alim-alim sikit, bukannya aku betul semua. Kadang-kadang tu gila jugak.

So dalam kes dekat atas tadi. Bagi aku agama tu no 1. Tapi dalam reality yang semua orang nak kata agama dia yang betul agama orang lain salah, at least kena ada satu kepala. Macam sotong.Tak kisahlah berapa kaki dia ada tapi kepala tetap satu. Bayangkan banyak kepala tapi kaki satu.

Banyaklah berbeza pendapat dengan groupmates masa ldk.Aku pon banyak je kena provoke dengan fasi sampai tercenggang garu kepala terpusing-pusing kanan kiri mintak member back up. Lepastu bisik angin dekat fasi cakap, saya tak tahu hehe. Begitulah.

Sampai malam terakhir.

Bagi aku malam ni memang spoil sangat mood aku dekat BTN. Telinga kiri dengar member suruh rebel maki-maki apa semua. Telinga kanan ada member suruh duduk je terima je dia nak buat apa. Depan mata fasi provoke, fikirlah fikir otak tu ada nak buat apa? Tuhan. Waktu tu rasa macam nak meletup kot. Aku dah fikir, kalau ni realiti biarlah aku mati dengan tenang je. Dah habis slot tu pon, aku still tak boleh move on lagi. Revise untuk exam esoknya tu pon tak sebab nak hilangkan marah nak tidur cepat.

Esoknya memang lega sangat sebab apa yang masuk exam tu tak payah baca pon tak apa. Kira macam dendam berbalaslah haha.

Telan kacalah jugak dekat BTN ni (bukan kaca betul ok) sebab banyak benda pahit yang kau kena telan. Satu nasihat, jadilah macam gelas yang kosong dekat sana nati. Amik sebanyak-banyaknya ilmu yang ada. And jangan setakat amik, tapi tapis dulu. Biar bila balik nanti yang ada dalam gelas tu air yang jernih je. Supaya air tu nanti mampu memberi manfaat pulak dekat orang lain dekat luar sana.

p.s: Makan sedap 6 kali sehari, fasi sempoi habis, bilik bersih.

p.s.s: Kalau kau kisas, make sure stay low profile haha.