Membuta Ke Fitrah

Alhamdulillah.

Lepas genap 2 minggu mematikan diri dari media sosial, masih bernyawa lagi. So geng, tak mati eh kalau sehari tak berkepit dengan phone tuh. Jadi, hari raya ni nak mohon maaf zahir batin dari hujung kaki ke hujung kepala. Ada terkasar bahasa, terngumpat, terkata, terguris hati, tertinggi suara, terpandang slack, terstone muka sama ada sengaja atau pun tak sengaja.

Bulan Ramadhan lepas tak banyak benda nak ditulis (banyak sebenarnya). Sebab nak cuba tipu diri sendiri yang selama ni tulis tu bukan setan iblis punya angkara. Dah kurang dah jadi keyboard warrior dekat fb. Nasib baik takde twitter.

Tahan. Tu aim dia kan bulan Ramadhan ni. Supaya kita tahan diri kita dari buat benda yang dah biasa kita buat. Biasa sangat sampai tak sedar yang kadang-kadang apa yang kita buat tu salah. Sama ada melanggar syariat atau cuma ikutkan nafsu.

Bila sampai Ramadhan, baru kita sedar. Besar mana nafsu kita sebab dah tak ada dah setan iblis yang tinggal nak jadi pak hasut. Buat kita sedar mana lagi hina, syaitan ke manusia?

Menjadi manusia, kita dimuliakan kerana akal dan dihinakan kerana nafsu. Sebab itu datang Ramadhan yang mulia. Fungsi dia bukan setakat untuk suruh kita tahan, tapi dalam masa yang sama supaya kita belajar untuk tunduk. Tundukkan nafsu.

Selalu kita dengar, Ramadhan adalah satu madrasah tarbiyah. Yang dalam bulan tersebut sekecil-kecil amalan diganjarkan berlipat-lipat ganda pahala. Tujuan dia mudah. Supaya kita encourage and termotivated untuk buat lebih banyak amalan. Untuk menimbulkan pengharapan dan penyandaran.

Tapi realiTUI nya, tak pernah senang.

Siapa kata senang dari 11 sebulan dah biasa makan lunch kafe A Level tiba-tiba datang bulan puasa macam ayam kena patuk ular tak tahu nak pergi mana. Dari dulu dah biasa gossip cik bedah tiba-tiba bulan puasa payah even nak nampak gigi tak bercakap sebab tekak kering badan rasa macam jelly. Dulu biasa dah tidur lepas subuh, tapi sekarang rasa macam kena laknat tidur lepas subuh sebab terngiang-ngiang hadith nabi, “Celaka barangsiapa yang Ramadhan datang kepadanya tapi tidak diampunkan dosanya.”

Kalau habis terawih, beria azam dekat diri esok aku nak buat taubat, tahajud, tasbih. Bila dah datang esok yang tinggal patah balik dekat terawih. Apa pon tak jalan. Kadang-kadang nak buat sedap hati, kita cakap dekat diri sendiri, ‘Yang penting niat tu dah ada. Takat niat je pon dah boleh dapat pahala kan.’ Lagi kerja nak menipu tuhan.

Benda yang paling susah nak ubah dekat dunia ni adalah diri sendiri. Susah nak letak mindset yang ada malaikat kanan kiri. Tak jauh pon. Tapi, dekat pon tak terasa. Menangislah sebab rasa takut. Menangis sebab rasa marah. Menangis sebab rasa sedih. Dah habis nangis, benda sama jugak buat.

Sedar-sedar dah takbir raya dah pun.

Memang kalau tengok balik Ramadhan yang lepas rasa macam banyak benda lagi yang tak habis nak buat. Tapi pada masa yang sama Syawal pon kita kena raikan sebagai satu tanda kemenangan. Part mana yang dah menang tu pon tak tahulah. Tapi time Syawal ni lah kita kena pasang azam untuk berubah, untuk start anew. Nama pon Aidil Fitri. Hari raya fitrah.

So, point dia. Sempena Syawal ni kan boleh tak kalau nak aku nak membutakan mata sekejap dari masalah-masalah sosial/ekonomi/politik hari ni. Sebab aku sedar yang hati aku selalu risau. Tak tenang. Kalau dulu, petir ke puting beliung datang macam mana pun aku still boleh cool. Takpe, Allah ada. Jangan takut, rileks rileks.Dia macam kau boleh rasa satu kuasa super saiya yang akan protect kau tak kira apa benda nak jadi.

Sekarang, cakaplah apa je yang tak buat aku ketaq. Lagi baru-baru ni dapat tahu yang MARA tak nak hantar student fly UK sebab currency tinggi sangat. Nak main tuding-tuding jari salahkan orang lain pon dah tak guna dah.

Apalah salahnya kalau dari dulu buat hudud. Dah takde dah isu pecah-pecah amanah ni. Duit hilang lah, rasuah lah, riba lah. Brunei tu pon jadi lagi miskin ke dah laksanakan hudud. Tak kan. Cakap pasal hudud, tak cerita lagi isu PAS-DAP dekat Kelantan. Sekarang ada GHB (Gerakan Harapan Baru) pulak. Kita nak berlawan parti ke nak tegakan Islam ni. Macam mana Malaysia tak haru-biru macam ni. Semua nak dulukan kepentingan politik. Duduk dalam hutan buat parti sendirilah.

Ni lah ni sebabnya aku nak stop kejap dari tengok berita. Asik nak rasa marah je. Sedih tengok bangsa sendiri macam ni. Orang-orang yang diberi tanggungjawab memfitnah dan membodohkan satu sama lain. Apa peel lah ni. Baru haritu tengok berita ada orang minta Ketua Polis Negara tahan Tun M. Lepastu, ada lagi yang suruh pihak berkuasa siasat kekayaan anak Tun M, Mokhzani sebab dia ni kaya sangat sampai ada 18 biji kereta mewah. Isu dekat Plaza Low Yat lagi, Wall Street Journal lagi.

Garu kepala jelah tengok berita sekarang ni. Tak ambil tahu nantikan kata ignorant. Bila ambil tahu, kita comment sikit dia kata alah budak-budak apa tahu.

Menunggu masa je bila semua isu ni nak senyap sendiri. Tak penat ke Malaysia? Malaysia ni kalau nak kaya sekelip mata je boleh. Nak maju pon lagilah boleh. Tapi dengan syarat, masyarakat dengan pemimpin semua kena bersatu. Apa yang held back kita ialah semua nak ikut kepala sendiri. Semua nak peel macam Hang Jebat. Tak melayu hilang di dunia kan katanya? Akhirnya apa jadi, mati. Malulah kita mengaku berjiran dengan Singapore dan Brunei.

Bila sayang tinggal-tinggalkan. Tolonglah JPA hantar kami ke UK nak tinggalkan Malaysia ni sebab sayang sangat tahap maksima dah.

*currently reading*

Amanda Prowse, What Have I Done?

Kathryn Brooker made me wonder is this actually what every mother and wife had felt? It made me reflect on what my mom had been through and what exactly has she felt. And most importantly on what will I go through in the future.

She is either tough enough to bear all the suffering and pain she didn’t deserve to get or she is just that stupid letting herself being hurt by not fighting back.

That’s frustrating moment when she got cut by her husband and I literally go, bapaklah hentak jelah kepala dia dengan stick hockey ke baseball!

Lucky me I have both in my room. Just in case.

Sometimes, I don’t understand what power men have over women that made them think that it’s okay to hurt women. Physically or verbally. No. I can’t understand more why women letting themselves to be hurt in the first place.

“Are you mad, Mark? Is this where this comes from? Are you insane? Do you know that you are mad, or do you think that you are not? It surely has to be madness that drives you. It has to be an unsound mind, a cruel and mad disposition that drives you to do those unspeakable things to me.

Where does it come from, Mark? Did someone do bad things to you? Where does the idea germinate? Does your behavior bring you joy or sadness? It brings me sadness, Mark; it brings me great sadness. You have taken the person that I was and you have slowly dismantle me over the years until this is all that is left, this shell, this casing, that used to house a person. It used to house me, but me is gone and the husk that is left.”

Kathryn is an ambitious woman. She knows what to do in her life. She has plans. Having met and married to Mark Brooker, her life turns to hell. She had to complete a round of chores every day, often pointless and repetitive chores that were designed to exhaust and break her spirit. Then, later at night Mark would allocate her points according to how badly he thought she had executed the chores. These points on a scale of one to ten would determine what came next.

The deepness of the cut.

After a long sixteen years, she killed him. Knifed him in the gut and called the police to report the crime she unapologetically commits.

This story reminds me to KL Noir Short Stories, on how a man got arrest for beating up a guy that harass her mother. Or when a man beat up a guy that killed a cat at pasar malam and on how a man got lock up for stealing RM5 from the tabung masjid to buy a lunch.

Those stories might only be just a fiction. But the message that it brought are so clear.

Crime is Oxford-dictionarily defined as:

1. Activities that involve breaking the law.

2. An illegal act or activity that can be punished by law.

3. An act that you think is immoral or is a big mistake.

None of the above definition mentioned the relatedness of justice with crime. Crime is not an act of injustice but it’s an act of breaking the law. But, whose law? You see, these man-made laws aren’t always able to bring out justice. It’s only flaws are that they are made and carry out by us; human.

Law had always works on the equality term. Never on the equity term. That’s why we still have crimes even with thousand of laws and decree established.

That’s the reason why I failed to see that Kathryn is guilty. She’d been sentenced for five years in jail for the crime of law that she breaks. Killing is a crime. But, when her life is at stake, it would be more sinful just letting it go. Because then there’ll be no different than to just commit a ‘suicide’.

I like Kathryn. She acts so indifferent by not shamefully admits about her past. The facts that she is innocent and a victim even didn’t have to be acknowledge by others, because they didn’t know what she had suffered.

Her fight is so inspiring and beautiful. But her loves for her children are not. It had weakened and paralyzed her completely. Besides, they can’t be consider as children. Not anymore. They are young adults with mentally-rude behaviours. Should have just tossed them in the mental ward to fix that loose wire in their brain. Tchhh those kids.

KL NOIR: BLUE

This is my first time reading Fixi and seangkatan dengannya. Sometimes, these kinds of books are so tempting, but for the past years you don’t know how much effort I had put in not buying them. Why? I don’t quite know myself.

Maybe because I love book so much to the extent I hate the thought that people could also corrupt it when writing their mind out. Corruption and me really don’t go well these days, you know.

Before, if you look at books, they are all facts, fictions, biographies, self developments, ancient histories, beautifully written novels, social studies, current –theme issues, but now all that I see is a bunch of people desperately needed to be heard. I got scared. I had always avoided that one shelf which full with fixis and Indies.

Books are my sanctuary. I don’t like to see it was ill written.

So, this time I had kill my own prejudice and decide to read one. I guess I’m really out of luck. The book should consider labeling itself ‘unfiltered’ on its cover page so then I better know myself not to buy it again next time. Duh.

If you consider on reading this book, make sure you are cukup umur, are okay with vulgar words, quick to catch up, not reading it in bulan Ramadhan because kuranglah pahala puasa kau, don’t mind with bahasa rojak and last but not least are okay with what-the-heck-had-happened punya ending.

Sorry, I expressed better when I do rojak. Or when I get really fed up.

So like the saying goes, ‘buang yang keruh amik yang jernih’, I’ll try to extract some of the good point that the book had so that at least, this reading could actually become worthier.

KL Noir: Blue

It consists of 15 short stories each from a different writer. Most of the setting took place in Kuala Lumpur and around Selangor. You’ll read some common places like Brickfield quite often. I don’t really understand the genre. Is it horror, true story, fiction, supernatural, crime? I guess it’s a mix of all that.

“Revenge is not justice, since the warpath the revenger embarks on is inherently unjust. But when criminality pervades the centers of justice, the lawmakers become the lawbreakers. The corruption of our trusted institution signals to the revenger (and the reader) an overriding need for vengeance.”

- Eeleen Lee, Editor.

I actually love some of the stories like Monster by Xeus, Mirage by Zed Adam, Sinful Saints by Iqbal Abu Bakar and Ah Beng's Wedding by William Tham Wai Liang. That's pretty much.

Just because these stories have points that arguably true. 

"Law and justice, young man, are not the same thing. Sometimes you have to break the law in order to bring out justice. They fight to defend the law in the courtroom, not justice. And laws are like cobwebs. They catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through."

- Sinful Sainst, Iqbal Abu Bakar.

" At least in the old days, people did it for a cause, for the greater good. But now, it's like we are moving backwards. It's like the more advanced we are, the more excuse we find to spill blood. Our own blood."

- Whose Blood Was It, Anyway?, Mamu Vies.

"Justice doesn't necessarily wear a uniform. Neither does it come automatically with a position of power."

- Unwanted Utopia II, Deviant.

Pre-Economics Examination

It’s 9 a.m.

A couple more hours before the exam started.

Is it normal for economics students to be so immersed with current issues that involves with politic and economy or is it just us? Because at times, I do feel that we are over arguing it. To the extent that I often realised it became very uncomfortable for the people around.

I mean, it was never our intention to act so ignorant and indifferent like we are the Ms. Know-it-all. Talking about something that that sensitive out loud in public, I know it’s not right. But, that’s the whole point right. We ARE economics students. You can’t expect us to say something about nut and bolt, atom and bomb, genes and chromosomes?

Some might think that it’s better to just keep all our thoughts to ourselves. There’s no point in arguing. It’s not like you could do anything though.

Sadly, that’s exactly what half million of the population are actually doing. Nothing. Absolute nothing. Because they let themselves believe that their voice and opinion worth none. And so they stay in silence.

Or is it because of fear that had force you to shut yourselves? We are just students. Had you not look at how many figures that government had lock up because of what they’d said?

It’s frustrating.

Don’t you realise where our country’s future are heading? And aren’t you aware of what state other countries are in too?

It’s you who will live in that crumble future. It’s us.

Sometimes, I get so scared that I regret I had ever learned economics. Will it be better if I know nothing? Will things get much easier because I won’t be worrying this much then? Every day, there’ll be new news popped out, new issues arise. It’s either good or bad, but these recent years it had always been bad, bad and bad.

Every time me and my friends trying to do revision for economics, we had always ended up tense and upset. We’re scared. All this while, we had been analysing other countries’ economies; UK, China, India and etc. It’s easy to use all those theories and models towards other countries. But, it’s not when it come to our own.

So, these few days, the biggest concerns of our country are the major depreciation of our currency against US dollar and its effects on our economy; directly or indirectly. For a scholar, I’m worried. And I bet every other scholar would also have the same worries.

Will we be able to further our studies abroad?

At times, I feel like pleading, ‘Please, aren’t you supposed to care for us, for our welfare? Can’t you please for once stop acting this way and get your head straight?’

And at times, I also let myself believe that the reason behind everything that’s happening is Israel. Ha ha cliché right. But, they do always behind of everything. Last year, I jokingly said this to my friends;

“Kita rasa MH370 tu mesti kena hijacked. Macam dalam movie-movie tu. Lepastu kena sorok dekat mana-mana entah. And diorang sebenarnya dah jumpa kapal tu tapi government taknak exposed sebab nanti burukkan nama negara. Ah ni semua angkara yahudi!”

 Then, I got a pretty good scolding from my friends. Not until the news on our second plane got shot down then, everyone started to point towards US and the Jews for the reason behind the conspiracy.

Actually, that’s the turning point that had slowly disrupted the stability of our economy. Let aside all the political reasoning. Admit it, our country is in a pretty bad shape.

But, I guess you had already known that right?

Being an economics student, it’s important to be able to predict the likely effect of an event. Not only that, it also taught me to boldly make an assumption and to come up with theories. So, here comes my second best theory.

 In a few years, the Election Day will be held like usual. If the government changes, everything will changes. New rules, new regulations. The syariah will be implemented, as well as hudud and any other Islamic law. Just like how Egypt used to when Dr. Morsi got elected. When secularism gotten replaced not by liberalism instead the Syariah, you know there’s one particular party who can sat still.

However, those possibilities is made disadvantage by weakening our country’s economy. Nice play. No money, no power. Hence, not a threat.

Tapikan Allahu, fansurna ‘alal kafirun.

I know it’s really unnecessary to come up with something that bad. But, who am I kidding? I’m aging. It’s been a long while since my dream is all about flowers and rainbows.

1.00 p.m.

Economics Unit 4 International Advance Level.