My Personal Concern; Sem 4

Sometimes, it’s tiring to pretend okay while the truth is that you always crave a little attention and affection from your friends. I’m not a kid anymore and yeah that’s really a problem. Please give me a little love, guys. It’s dark and lonely here fyi T.T

You know exam and me are like water and oil. Only with the existence of soap can those two be mix together. Be the soap, please. *begging*

Haha its okay. I’m fine (I’m not).

Tomorrow will be the start of my last sem. I’m really grateful for that. And in two weeks, I’ll be sitting my external final AS level examination. I’m not prepared and never will. But, I guess I just have to redah jela. I have my own saying you know, ‘in life we must not be afraid to aim for the top, but we must always be prepared to be on the bottom’..

That really describes me well.

So, my concerns nowadays are my studies, of course. I want to get good grades, get a bunch of offer letters from universities, fly to UK, pass with Economics degree in hand, back to Malaysia in 3 years, and last but not least getting employed.

But, from the very first concern I had already struggling to my bone let alone the rest. I’ll be zombie. Study should be fun!!! What’s wrong with me and all the negative thoughts?

These past few months I can’t really sleep.

I have one more concern that just at the think of it makes me really annoyed and annoyed so annoyed that there’s one time I quickly jump to my table and open my books; studying. Hey, that’s good. I guess I had to think about that quite often haa. Ahh I’m so annoyed!

I had a cousin of my age, and we were compared a lot. Since we were 12, everything was like competition between us. Who’s better and who’s not. First, it was about the upsr. I’m okay with that since us both got 5A’s. Then, he enter MRSM and ohh that’s hurt (since I applied too).. I don’t even remember his name then, not until my mom brought it up again at our pmr year. That was officially my first time dealing with insecurity. Hahahh.

After spm was the most intense moment ever. We both get good grades and he applied for mara scholarship while I applied for jpa’s. It’s unfair though because jpa include personal and group interview to the applicant, and I just don’t have the confidence to make it through. What a day!

Still, I got it. And yeah he too. Under different scholarship, doing different degree, at the SAME country. This brings me to tears. Ahh whatever. My point is that, what if he could fly while I’m not. The real concern that make me tak senang duduk rasa mcam dah kenapa kau dapat UK jugak T.T

I really hope that we both could fly so that all the comparing of who’s better and who’s best could just stop. I mean, come on. It’s really stressful and even we’re family, we didn’t feel like one. And we didn’t act like one too. I even scared to ask him his pointer because what if he’s doing great? Because I’m not. Tehee :’(

Acap (kiri)

Cap dah lah eh cap. Penat ah penat penat. Buat je lah leklok final tu nati kita 

jumpa kat UK. Kalau tak jumpa tu jangan nak tanya lah kenapa. 

Aherrr. Nak felai~

At least, that made me feels like studying.

*Karimu anta Allah, yusahhilna fi haza al-imtihan*

*Najjihna fi haza al-imtihan*

*Allahu Allah, ya zaljala li wa al-ikram*

*Sabbaha lillah ma fi as-sama’ wa ma fi al-ardh*

*Aj`alna min ibadika as-syakirin*

**Ameen**

Kisah Anak Makcik Cleaner; Black

Muhammad Ikmal Haziq. Aku kenal dia sejak dari form one. Bagi aku Ikmal sangatlah low profile orangnya. Sebabkan kitorang budak asrama so boleh kata rapat jugaklah. Budak-budak asrama dulu boleh kata semua satu geng, aku backup kau, kau backup aku.

Ikmal budak TC (tunas cemerlang). Budak TC ni maksudnya budak-budak bola. Pernah jadi wakil sampai negeri or kebangsaan. And yep, mana-mana diorang pergi memang orang kenal. Budak hot lah senang ceritanya.

Kalau ingat cerita masa dekat asrama dulu memang tak habis gelaklah. 24 jam gaduh memanjang. Lepastu setiap pagi roll call mesti ada nye yang kena rotan lah, ketuk ketampi lah, kena denda sebab iron kasut lah haha. Kadang-kadang tension sebabkan sorang buat hal semua kena tadah telinga. Tapi, tu yang buat kitorang rapat. Susah senang rasa sama-sama.

Kalau ada sesiapa budak asrama ke budak TC ke dapat piala anugerah naik pentas dekat sekolah, memang budak asrama yang lain sorak kecoh sekampung. Sampaikan naik menyampah budak lain haha. Tapi, memang rasa bangga sangat kalau diorang naik pentas.

Sebabnya, diorang mostly budak kelas belakang. Bagi aku diorang bukan tak pandai, tapi diorang kurang masa untuk study. Bayangkan setiap petang training. Setiap minggu ada friendly. Siapa yang tak penat. Memang nampak sangat kalau tuisyen malam, ada yang tidurlah, muka blurlah, beranganlah. Jujur cakap, in a way aku sangat respect dengan diorang.

At least, diorang hidup baru 13 tahun dah boleh bawak nama sendiri. Aku? Nangiss..

Aku takde lah rapat dengan Ikmal, jadi aku cerita pasal budak asrama generally. Dia dapat nama Black sebab dia gelap sikit orangnya. Macam penyanyi Black tu. Tak tipu.  Mula-mula memang kejam jugaklah rasa. Tapi tengok gelaran yang lain pon ada lagi dasyat dia tak kesah rasanya. Ayam, maggi, unta, sean Kingston menda banyak lagilah.

Lepas form 3, aku pindah. Hmm kisas. Mula-mula memang ada rasa tak rela nak pergi. Sebab aku pon tahu kisas tu sekolah macam mana. Mungkin ada sebahagian dari diri aku yang nak free, penat lah jadi baik je ni. Semua benda asik nak kena jaga. Buat pelik sikit orang dah kritik. Penat jugak hidup macam tu. Tapi He knows better kan. Alhamdulillah, usykur fi amanillah (grateful under His protection).

Sebelum masuk kisas, ada senior cakap;

“Pergilah kisas tu. Kisas tu sekolah bagus. Dekat Meru ni takde apa untuk Ika. Kisas lagi baik dari sini.”

2 tahun dekat Kisas, aku dah lost contact dengan diorang. Since dah duduk dekat asrama penuh kan. Memang sibuk dengan masalah sendiri, dunia sendiri sampaikan tak teringat dah sekolah dulu. Lagipun, mungkin nak start berubah kan. Jadi kisah silam yang suka huha huha dulu pon dah tak ingat dah.

Sampailah Allah jumpakan balik. Ceh, macam drama. Jodoh ada tak kemana kan haha. Jodoh ni bukan semua benda cinta je. Kawan pon ada jodohnya. Semua benda ada takdirnya. Kita manusia ni kena sabar and tunggu je. And bila masa tu datang, kita amik ibrar dia.

Masa first jumpa waktu  dekat pertandingan hoki daerah. Ya Allah, waktu tu rasa cam nak nangis je huhu. Ikmal dengan Solihin. Nak tanya yang lain macam mana sekarang? Tapi sebab kawan semua pandang and bawak pulak nama kisas kan so pandang dari jauh je mampu.Tapi seganlah jugak, dulu hingusan selekeh-selekeh je sekarang.. Kawan dari kecik kot :’)

Rasa seronok dapat jumpa orang yang kenal aku sebelum masuk kisas. Bukanlah nak kata dah masuk kisas jadi plastik. Tapi nostalgia dia lain sikit hehh.

Begitulah. Jadi hidup diteruskan.

Modul XA Plus. Modul Intensif. Dan menda-menda lagi modul disuap. Aku pon makin tension. Kepala makin senget. Perangai dah buat hal. Malas makin menjadi-jadi. Buku pon rasa dah tak tahan nak campak tepi. Dan SPM pon tiba.

Anda tahu betapa saya bencikan SPM. Saya pon penat nak cerita banyak kali.

Jadi minggu kedua SPM tiba, kali ni ada tiga hari cuti sebelum paper seterusnya. Jadi cikgu pon menyumbat segalanya dengan kelas pagi petang siang malam.

On the way pergi Ulul Albab (dewan), lalu sebelah kantin. Nampak ada lelaki tengah sapu sampah. Lama tenung. Lama. Terus rasa meremang. Black? Dekat kisas?! Sapu sampah? Tapi sekarang tengah SPM. Amende ni? Sepanjang kelas tak tenang, tak fokus, speechless, sedihhh. Tak tahu nak cakap macam mana.

Waktu tu rasa macam-macam. Rasa marah, rasa nak campak barang, rasa nak keluar dewan time tu jugak. Kawan dulu sekolah sama-sama. Kenapa dia sapu sampah dekat kisas? Dia drop sekolah ke. Macam mana study dia. Macam mana hidup dia. Dia kan pandai. Budak bola pulak tu. Apa dah jadi. Dia ada masalah ke? Terus dekat dewan tu jugak nangis. Rasa tak boleh terima. Tak boleh terima yang aku dekat sini dalam dewan tgh belajar, tapi dia dekat luar tgh sapu sampah.

Lepas tu aku fikir, mesti semua yang lalu lalang anggap dia budak sampah je. Takde masa depan. Aku rasa macam nak buat announcement bagitahu satu aspuri, tak satu kisas yang dia tu kawan aku. Yang dia ada sebab dia sendiri kenapa dia sapu sampah dekat sini. Aku nak semua orang tahu yang dia ni hebat, wakil kebangsaan, budak bola. Tapi kepala aku pon tak boleh proses apa sekarang ni.

Aku nak bagitahu dekat someone. Tapi aku takde sesapa time SPM dulu. Semua sibuk study. Aku pulak rasa macam nak meletup kepala. Memang seriously mental breakdown.

Sampai lah time nak balik aspuri aku nampak fatin nabilah tengah borak-borak dengan Mak Mah and sebelah dia ada Black. Petang tu terus jumpa dengan nabil suruh dia cerita semua benda.

‘Dia tolong mak dia makcik cleaner dekat sini dengan adik dia. Ayah dia sakit and kena operation so dia tolong mak dia cari duit.’

Lepas dah tahu cerita tu terus lega sangat rasa. And sedih. Lepastu rasa macam kena tampo. Hidup kau semua benda dapat, ada yang lagi susah tolonglah bersyukur. Tak payah nak mengada-ngada sedih takde kawan lah apa. Kau kena jadi kuat, sekurang-kurangnya kau boleh tolong dia. Doa. And since tu, aku selalu cakap dekat diri aku;

‘Kalau kau sayang sorang tu and kau nak tolong dia nak dia jadi kuat so that dia boleh hidup and tak putus asa dengan dunia ni, kau kena kuat. Macam mana kau nak support diorang kau pon lembik.’

Mungkin sebab tu kot aku nampak tough sikit. Sebab ramai sangat orang yang aku sayang dekat dunia ni. And aku tak boleh nampak kalau diorang sedih atau susah, aku rasa macam aku useless. Aku just nak jadi kekuatan diorang. Nak support diorang tolak dari belakang. Aku? Jangan risau Allah ada :’)

Banyak aku belajar.

Sejak haritu, setiap kali aku jumpa memana makcik cleaner indon ke india ke even melayu ke. Aku selalu senyum and tegur. Sebab aku rasa malu. Aku malu sangat kalau nak jalan depan makcik sapu sampah. Kalau ada jalan lain aku akan lalu jalan lain. Sebab apa yang diorang buat tu mulia sangat and aku rasa diri ni hina. Hmm.

And tolonglah jangan pandang semua tukang-tukang cleaner yang pernah korang jumpa macam takde masa depan. Malas belajar. Sampah masyarakat. Siapa tahu diorang ni sebenarnya orang hebat. Siapa yang sanggup merendahkan diri serendahnya dekat dunia ni semuanya hebat. Jangan nanti kita dah kerja besar, office ada aircond, kita pandang diorang jijik.

Ikmal?

Kali terakhir contact dia lepas spm haha.

Aina, Azlin, Pijot, Aku.
The only budak asrama yang pengawas.
Kalau jalan sama-sama je mesti kena bash.
"pengawas poyo"

Aspuri Form 2 2009.

Syafiq, Naqiudin, Zarul, Aizat
Budak TC (sebahagiannya)

Budak asrama.
Macam gangster dah en haha.

Nah gambar Black haha.
Tiada gambar Ikmal dalam simpanan btw.

The Bitter Truth; Boys, Love, Repeat.

So, first story.

Boys.

I sure have pretty lots of boys around me all my life. I have four brothers. I played with their boy friends, I played with my boy cousins. I played with our boy neighbors. I played with boys my entire childhood, I'm so boyish until I get a free I-think-my-face-going-to-burn slapped from my brother. Hahah. It's hurt.

I don't understand boys, but they can be too shy and they can be too bold all at the same time. Or maybe they are just too lazy to bother. 

But, what I learnt from having too much brothers is that boys are so sensitive.

My mother scold my younger brother because he keeps doing mistakes when leading us as an Imam prayer. But, he never listens. Until, one day I took the chance to talk about it with him at a wedding ceremony! Gosh, it's so funny I can't never forget about it.

'Mamat, ika nak cakap kejap. Ko kan kalau jadi Imam macam untuk solat Subuh ke Maghrib ke bacalah Al-fatihah kuat2. Alah kacang je Al-fatihah. Lepas tu ko bacalah surah An-nas ke Al-ikhlas ke. Ko hafal dua je dah lepastu ko ulang2 jela. Kalau doa tu alah ko baca doa lepas belajar yang kat sekolah tu pon boleh. Doa makan lagi senang...'

The next day, he tries it for real. I was so proud, I'm smiling in my prayer. I learnt that, a little encouragement and trust are all that was need. Never scold them in public. Everyone hate it when they are been point out in public. That will just bring the ego up. So, do it personally.

As I have so many brothers, each one of them is a pain in the head.

I have one that was so rebellious, everyone in school called him as 'taiko'. When I was in form one, he's in form four. I hate it when I walked around school and the other kids were staring and talking about me being 'adik din'. I have name please..

He has gangs of course. I thinks he was sort of a handsome face's bad boy. And, maybe everyone just can't process the fact that he has a tudung labuh sister. Hahah. I know, even I can't.

Even though I don't like him. I had always supported him. There's one time when he really screwed up. And during those time, he only talks and ask me for help. Of course I'm mad at him, but I don't know why I still help. He's a blood after all. I'm just glad I did what I did because who knows what happened to him then if I didn't do anything.

In return, I know all of his past and current girlfriends. I didn't ask for this and it feels really unpleasant. He always introduce me with his girlfriends. And then, they'll treat me like I'm a sister-in-law you wish. Date him, but please ignore me.

I laughed so hard when his girlfriend told me this,

'Ika, din sayang betul eh dekat ika. Dia kata dekat akak jangan kacau ika. Lepas tu dia kata kalau ada orang buli ika nati bagitahu dia biar dia belasah budak tu.'

Hahaha geli betul dengar.

And the other two engineers be like, 'tak ade mesin ke yang masukkan carot je terus terpotong baru senang sikit kerja', bila suruh tolong dekat dapur. Hahah. 

Those boys are my brothers. Kind of boys that I hate and love both at the same time.

Others boys are just not worth of my attention. So, please out of my way! 

End.

Next; Love.

I'd never been in love. A lie. HAHAH. This is not a topic I comfortable discussing. I know at this age, people tends to feel attracted in people of opposite gender. When I was little, my dad always said..

'Heh, nak bercinta-cinta nati dah masuk universiti baru boleh. Dekat sekolah belajar dulu.'

But, as I grow old, love is the least thing I think about. I had to think about the assignments, the grades, the placements, the applications, my ambition for short. Because, sadly jodoh is something that's certain unlike the future of ambition which is.. huh.

So, in this current moment I will not chase or receive any love. Like there is haha. Because you know life is so short and there are so many things that I want to achieve. So many place that I want to go. And being stuck in the so-called-love feelings is a waste of time. Just wait for the right time, and then here comes your right guy.

A friend once ask, is love suppose to be seek or wait and it'll just come?

The answer is both. First, you have to seek love. From Allah. Bercintalah dengan Allah. If only I could tell you that feeling when you only see Him in everything that you do. You scared if you did something that'll make Him mad. In your heart is only peace. You cried when you recite the quran because the meaning feels like He is talking to you and assuring you. 

This is happened during my supplementary paper exam. That morning on bus I feel so anxious and nervous. I don't know what to do, so I kill time reciting quran. And I found a verse saying,

( 9:40 )

I smiled all day, and I really feel calm walking into the exam hall. Because I know He is here and He never leave :')

I'm literally crying writing this. Oh *wipe* *wipe*. I guess it is hard to have this kind of feeling. It's hard to love someone that you don't know, right. That you never met and can never see. How to do that? You need a strong will and start to leave behind all the 'lagho' things. Lowered your gaze. Fill your time with dzikir. Minimise ikhtilat with ajnabi. 

I'm not being syadid, but those things really do effect our heart. And macam mana nak lekat Allah dalam hati kalau ada lagi maksiat tak mampu kita tinggal. Tak mudah. Tapi milik siapa hati ni? Kenapa kita biar dia kotor padahal Allah bagi dekat kita dulu bersih suci hmm.

Then, just wait. I'm sure there's someone who will knock. Dah tu pulak jangan le jual mahal. Get to know each other. Get married. Done. And they live happily ever after pheww. Haha.

End.